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Hello and welcome to the UPC Network! I'm noted bigwig television producer
and network president C. Edward Carruthers. I'm here to present to you a new
kind of television network. One that's brimming with exciting, innovative and awardworthy
programming, the kind you always knew television could beam straight into your
gummy cerebral cortex, wrapped around an all-important core of subliminal
advertisements and cancer-causing radiation.I think you'll like our shows just fine. No, wait! I think you'll LOVE our new line up. That's more like it! Here at UPC we stress quality, along with gunfights, big laughs and big, huge TITS! (*Note to self: Give secretary a raise!). Where were we? Ah yes, UPC's heavyweight programming excellence. I don't think you need me to remind you of my impressive track record as America's premiere idea man and just all-around goddamned good-looking SOB. That's been exhaustively covered by the Cuban media. Now that I've got my own network, I'm waging an all-out war on all things that are UnAmerican, and therefore UnCarruthersian, be they Germans, dust mites or those guys that run the Long John Silver's down on 5th street. I want my network to be your best friend in the whole wide world. Need something to pass the time until the painkillers kick in? UPC is here for you. Need a constant stream of valueless but vibrant images to drown out the nagging feeling that you're wasting your life? UPC, my friend. Jonesing for a headful of lame ideas you don't want and urges you can't fulfill? You know who loves ya, baby. Because it's not my job to put society back on track and it's not your job to care, for God's sake! Well, I'd love to chew the fat here with you fine viewers all the live-long day, but I've got a network to run! And you've got some shows to check out! Let the magic begin! C. Edward Carruthers  Best Wishes from the UPC Staff
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