Monday, September 2, 2002
In 1923, a pilot named Skeech Mulroony set out from Miami on a course for Corpus Christi, Texas, by way of the Orient. Never accused of undue intelligence or even basic map-reading ability, Mulroony headed due east and steeled himself for what he expected to be a fifteen-minute flight. Soon after, however, excessive engine noise and lightheadedness forced Mulroony to close his cockpit window, and in doing so he fumbled and accidentally dropped his keys out the airplane’s open window and into the sea.

He never saw them again.

Few place names elicit the kind of pants-shitting terror associated with the Bermuda Triangle. Even reasonable people who have never heard of it before reflexively clutch their scrotums with trembling fists at its mention, intuitively sensing their own impending doom. This is great fun at parties, especially if you want to make some cocksure blowhard look like a putz in front of all the mateable ladies present.

But what is the Bermuda Triangle, and how did it earn this frightful reputation? The short answer is that if you don’t know by now, you’ll never understand, and you’re a dick for asking. The long answer is harder to sum up in a single sentence.

The “Bermuda or Devil’s Food Triangle” is an imaginary area located off the southeastern Atlantic coast of the United States, which is noted for a high incidence of unexplained losses of ships, small boats, aircraft, passenger pigeons and kites. Over time, it has also gone by the names “Limbo of the Lost,” “Hoodoo Sea,” “The Twilight Zone,” “Teddy Boy” and “Shitbird Alley.” The apexes of the triangle are generally accepted to be Bermuda, Miami, Florida, and San Juan, Puerto Rico, though some claim that the junk drawer in Murray Baumenstein’s garage in lower Queens is definitely a part of the triangle.

The area features a unique collection of geographical and weather phenomena that have vexed travelers for years, including an unusual magnetic field that causes a compass to point to “true north” rather than magnetic (or “bullshit”) north, a powerful gulf stream, frequent tropical storms and also a gigantic floating devil head which gobbles up everything that wanders into its vicinity.

The lore of the Bermuda Triangle began with Columbus’ observation of “great balls of fire” splashing into the sea near his ship as he sailed through this region, though some argue this was merely a reference to a member of his crew seeking relief from a bout of the clap. The lore grew over the years as people lost other things over this stretch of the Atlantic: keys, wallets, dentures, virginity, an especially rare Mickey Mantle baseball card, unmatched socks, several Siamese cats, etc. Eventually larger and larger things began turning up missing, including an entire squadron of the Navy’s Avenger bombers, the tanker Sylvia L. Ossa, and president Truman’s cherished Tuesday underwear.

Among the other incredible phenomena experienced in the triangle include flights gaining or losing time unexplainably, a mysterious fog appearing out of the blue sky and enveloping vessels, planes and expectant teenage fathers suddenly vanishing into thin air, and airline food tasting delicious. Numerous explanations have been offered for these experiences, including time warps, alien abduction, giant pissed-off squid and Red Bagel’s assertion that McDonaldland headquarters are located deep beneath the sea in this region, where magnetically disruptive McRays are emitted to keep ships and planes from discovering its location.

The incident that points closest to the truth of the situation, however, is the story of licensed pilot Carolyn Casico, who was piloting a chartered flight to Turk island in 1964. When she arrived, grounds crews spotted her plane in the air circling the island and attempted to contact her by radio. They received no response, but instead overheard a conversation between Carolyn and her passenger.

"I can’t understand it. This should be Grand Turk but there is nothing there. It’s the right place on the map, the shape is right, but this island looks uninhabited - no buildings... roads... nothing”. After a few more circles, she turned around and flew away. Carolyn and her passenger were never seen or heard from again, and her cat had to resort to eating dry cat food for nearly two weeks.

This story and many others point to an alarming trend of acid use among pilots, ship captains and the guy who wrote that Twilight Zone about the plane that goes back to dinosaur times. Acid has long been a major export for the island nation of Bermuda, ranking behind only surfing shorts and little statues of a monkey riding a unicycle. It’s only natural that the sea surrounding Bermuda would be rife with pilots who believe their planes have a “submarine” button and ship captains who want to see if their oil tankers can do a barrel roll. After all, what’s more likely: that these mishaps were the result of garden-variety drug-addled whimsy, or that a big purple dinosaur really burped them all to Narnia? Hmm.

Poop on Deck: The History of the Disposable Diaper
What few remember, and even fewer believe, is that before the disposable diaper came along, babies, the elderly and the fabulously lazy shat their days away in low-tech cloth diapers, not much different from the shammy you use to dry your car today.

Take a Tip From Me
The custom of tipping dates back to the Roman Empire, a time that truly represented the Dark Ages of food service. Waiters were surly, sub-literate and prone to having volatile tempers.

The Trojan Horse
History has not been kind to the Trojans, inventors of the condom and quite possibly the stupidest people ever.

What Causes the Seasons?
Thanks to satellite photography and advanced knowledge of physics, we now know that the seasons are actually the result of a power struggle between the two sons of the one true God, Muzamtecca Brown.

The Loch Ness Midget
Word spread quickly around Scotland like a game of “telephone” and by the time it got back to Loch Ness, the word was that the legendary Nessie was, in fact, some kind of terrifying midget nightmare who played bocce ball at the bottom of the loch.

What’s With All This Shit on Our Money?
But American currency gets stranger the closer you look at it, kind of like Joe Pesci’s face-lift. Sure, there’s the king, a house and some numbers, but what about this bird doing the splits or the spooky bear with a key for a mouth?

Bush Knew All Too Well
Did President Bush know about Osama bin Laden’s terrible plans before September 11th? You bet your flight-school-flunking ass he did. Does the phrase “up your nose with a rubber hose” mean anything to you? Exactly.

Thomas Edison Ate My Balls
The history of the light bulb is a story of intrigue, espionage and a steamy love triangle gone bad. Unfortunately, that story has been optioned by ABC for a miniseries this fall, so we’re going to have to stick to the afterschool special version.