SNAPPER McGEE/AP Love-Hewitt's CD, featuring brazen upper-back nudity and presumably unremarkable music.

The album, cock-teasingly titled Barenaked, the one-word spelling somehow making it more musical, contains tracks presumably sung by Jennifer Love-Hewitt and possibly even written, co-written, or just bought by the actress for the purpose of singing on the album. The release is the latest in a series of maddening superstar actor vanity albums by the likes of John Travolta, Telly Savalas, Joe Pesci, Sebastian Cabot, and Joey Lawrence, and the notorious William Shatner release The Transformed Man, which is actually really funny and should immediately be listened to for its covers of “Hey Mr. Tambourine Man” and “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.”

Love-Hewitt, however, who sings normally and really has nothing outstanding from Britney Spears except her brunette hair, should not be listened to. There’s always the possibility that something exceptional is being recorded on Love-Hewitt’s CDs that could surprise everyone and make her a huge cult hit, but it is seriously in doubt, and Ted Ted, for one, is not going to risk listening to one to be the one to find out. All likelihood points to major sucking.

The new album release, discovered during a routine search for topless actresses, may be called Barenaked but even the cover fails to live up to that. The chance that the album is nothing more than Love-Hewitt describing herself naked in vivid detail is very low, but ought to inspire a few dozen sales out there at least among her alleged fans.

Love-Hewitt’s latest movie, The Tuxedo, with Jackie Chan, looks putrid, even for a Jackie Chan film. Love-Hewitt has made a career out of awful teen-age movies like I Know What You Did Last Summer and the brilliantly-named I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, which is possibly a sequel. The two best reasons to see the films—Love-Hewitt’s breasts—can likely be obtained online from the thousands of fansites for the actress run by fans of her breasts, though who is buying her music is still unknown.

Claims that Ted Ted should “get over it” or “let it go,” made by office wank Ramon Nootles, were immediately invalidated by the fact that Nootles is not a music fan and has standards so low he himself might own every Jennifer Love-Hewitt album ever released, and even some unreleased singles or EPs or recorded concert audio, who knows. Calls to prove he doesn’t own a Jennifer Love-Hewitt CD have remained unanswered.

Love-Hewitt, apparently a well-selling star in Japan, proves once again Ted Ted’s theory the Japanese will buy anything as a joke. The Japanese sense of humor, though wickedly ironic, is still a negative factor in as much as it encourages the release of Jennifer Love-Hewitt albums here in the states as well, as do the people who go to see poor-quality movies like The Tuxedo.

In its entirety, the release of the album and the continuation of Love-Hewitt’s popularity at least serve as evidence in Ted Ted’s belief that society’s standards, even as low as they have been in the past, continue to erode hideously. More on this as it develops.

the commune news is just a squirrel trying to get a nut, a’ight? Ted Ted is the commune’s hotheaded office correspondent who may not deliver real news, but he sure is adorable when he gets enraged—which happens frequently.

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