Dad on the Run
by Clarissa Coleman 

So it’s no surprise, everybody’s been talking about the same thing for two weeks now: My dad broke out of jail. It’s high time I gave everybody the facts to stop these vicious rumors.

Okay, for one, yes, he broke out, but my mom had already posted the bail just before the breakout occurred, so technically he shouldn’t even be wanted at this point. You can’t tell me five minutes makes a difference between him being legally bonded and on the run from the law. The police tell me that, but we both know the real deal.

And two, that guy dropped his gun so that charge of stealing an officer’s weapon is complete bullshit. If I dropped a pencil and you picked it up, you didn’t steal it, did you? Right, it’s finders-keepers law, and everybody knows it. That cop is just embarrassed because he couldn’t hang onto his gun when dad pushed him.

Third, and this is the big one for me, my mom dropped the charges against him. Technically, shouldn’t that start some kind of Back to the Future time unraveling deal where dad never went to jail because the charges never existed? So all these surplus charges shouldn’t be there either. I saw It’s a Wonderful Life enough times to know that chain reaction shit.

It’s all that dildo Freddie Mercury’s fault. Not the singer from Queen Freddie Mercury, I think he’s dead, but that jackass wanna-be pimp friend of dad’s Freddie Mercury. That guy just seems to come out of the woodwork whenever my dad’s in a spot and he’s always trouble. Dad was perfectly willing to wait the extra day until he made bail, then that Freddie Mercury started talking up all this crap about being outlaws. So one thing leads to another, Freddie Mercury rips the door off the cell with his A.T.V., and now the two of them are on the run to Tijuana. Dad doesn’t even speak Spanish so it’s particularly stupid.

Sure, the cops will catch him, and he’ll probably get a lawyer who can plea-bargain him down to pushing a cop with extreme prejudice, but it just pisses me off. Stuff about my dad keeps coming over the wire and all the commune staffers give me shit about it. “Hey, Clarissa, that white guy with the fade, he looks kind of like you.” Yeah, I know that, Ramon. He’s even got the same last name, you prick, you’re just rubbing it in.

The end result is that I can’t watch America’s Most Wanted, Cops, or any of my other favorite shows until he’s back in custody ‘cause it’s too embarrassing. We already recognize my Uncle Luke on an episode at least once a year, no way I need to add to that humiliation.

At least Fox News and the 24-hour stations are all busy reporting on this Iran stuff. The last thing I need is for those news dorks to interrupt Headline News to show another police chase involving my dad and Freddie Mercury. These bloodsuckers at the commune never fail to drag that one out of the closet and reminisce every time someone’s had a few beers. “Hey, remember that time Clarissa’s dad and that guy in the jumpsuit stole that 7-Up truck?” Yeah, everyone remembers, Ramon, just let it be.

If dad does make it to Mexico at least it won’t be on the news, since no one here cares what happens in Mexico. The down side to that is that mom will continue living with me and driving me crazy until who knows when. It seems like no matter what I do, I’m screwed. But if you do see my dad, please report him to the local police. Just tell the press it’s Carlos Nootles.

Papa Was a Violent Stone-Thrower
They’ve already arraigned dad and denied bail. Not for the assault, but since the judge said dad was pretending to be black. Yeah, I didn’t even know judges could do that, it’s new to me.

Flying High with the Pilot
As if it needed saying, I did stupendous. I haven’t acted in a long, long time, and it really shows—I have boundless energy. There was even a few times the director had to stop the shoot to tell me to stop moving around in the background, or get out of the scene since I wasn’t in it.

Sister, Can You Spare a Dime?
I went to see her at her office and it was worse than I thought—all this big talk of success was just a sham, the place is a real dump. Her law office is all the way up on the 30th floor and she shares it with a bunch of other lawyers, though her name is first, good deal there, I’m really impressed.

I Have a Lazy E-Mailman
It’s still no excuse for the teamster-like attitude of my computer. This computer wouldn’t work if I threatened to replace it with cheap foreign labor. It starts slow, it runs slow, it even turns off slow.