One Busy Summer
by Clarissa Coleman 

In the world of show business, things go from boring to frenetic overnight. This also applies to my life as of recent. One minute I’m volunteering at soup kitchens just to get out of the house, then my phone is ringing with work and so on. Which is great, the soup kitchen thing wasn’t what I thought anyway—you believe people volunteer to serve the soup? They tried to tell me they already had more than enough people to eat it all.

But the work, the work! It’s true what the Fixx said, one thing leads to another. I get a call from Vic-O Smith-Smith, one of the convention geeks who kept trying to get me to read his script last year. I told him I would, then when he asked me what I thought of it, I told him I thought it had its moments—he totally fell for it. Anyway, Vic-O asked me if I’d be in his movie if he ever got the money to do it, and I said sure, thinking no one would give this chunk money. Well, I was right, but it turns out he got hit by a Brinks truck and sued for big-time bucks. Vic-O called last week, as I said, and said the part was mine if I wanted it.

I played it cool and told him I would do it, only on the condition he gave me money for the role. It paid off, ‘cause he offered me even better than money—a percentage of the movie! Usually that spells disaster, just ask anybody who’s ever financed a bomb movie for percentages, or internet investors. This one’s a sure-fire hit, though, because it’s a sci-fi movie. Sci-fi movies are like oil spouting up through your bathtub. Money city.

The gig is all set, though. I’ll be playing Clemenstra Raygun, the star of the movie, and it ought to be kick-ass. It will take about two weeks of shooting and then a long post-production time while all the special effects are computer-generated. It’s a low-budget movie, but Vic-O says he can CGI all the effects with a special movie-making program known as Photoshop. The movie is about… okay, I still haven’t read the script or anything. I’m putting money down it will involve me in some sexy space outfit shooting a laser and riding around in a rocketship. Something like LSD but it costs less and helps move my career along in inches.

I didn’t even tell you the best part yet! Vic-O, he’s a good friend with another guy, and this guy (whose name I didn’t bother to write down) is publishing a comic book. I know, nerd city, but check this out: It’s a comic about a super-freak sexy heroine, and guess who they wanted to play her on the covers? Victoria Principal. But of course she wants ridiculous money and has a busy schedule doing make-up commercials or whatever. Her loss, my gain. I’m going to be Metallichick!

Not much involved as far as the covers go or anything, they basically have me stop by the “studio” in his mom’s house ever couple months and take a couple of promotional photos and some shots for the cover. Then people see a real chick on the front of the book and want to buy the book, then get home and get pissed to see it’s all drawings inside. Maybe they recognize me from TV or the Brady Bunch reunion special where I told everybody I was Cindy, who knows, but people buy the book and I get money to come back and do more. It keeps me busy, that’s what’s important. That and the money.

I didn’t even mention the big stuff, that I’m off to a sci-fi convention next week. I was planning on going back to sign autographs at the Orgasma table anyway, but the guy whose name I can’t remember also wants me to do some promotion for the Metallichick book. I might even help Vic-O promote the new movie. It’s feast or famine, as the old saying goes, and I’m going to gorge myself while the gorging’s good.

Too Close for Comfort
Like mom, who’s been staying with me even longer, I can tolerate dad. He’s family. But he had to bring that dildo Freddie Mercury with him, and both of them are friends now with some bounty hunter named Icepick.

The Doctor is Out
I don’t like my doctor. He laughs too much when I describe my symptoms and plus he smells Greek. Also I don’t think the prick knows what he’s doing. You tell me how you’re supposed to get a yeast infection when you don’t even cook.

Hot Commercial Property
Case in point, the disappointing showing of my new UPN sitcom Archipelago Law. I had a shot at the big small time, the 6th network, and it didn’t hit.

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised
Archipelago Law was treated like third-rate crap from day one by the network. From making Pia Zadora our first episode’s big name guest star to forcing us to re-title the pilot from “Island Go-Round” to “Not Suitable for Air.”