Bush Adds Segway Scooters to “Axis of Evil”
Growing list of presidential enemies now too long to recall
JUNIOR BACON
President Bush taking a digger that had nothing to do with his “Axising” of the Segway Human Transporter
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Upon returning from his weekend vacation in Kennebunkport, Maine on Tuesday President Bush announced that the Segway Human Transporter, a motorized scooter popular among newsmagazines and eccentric billionaires, had been added to the “Axis of Evil” over the weekend. The “Axis of Evil,” a list of rogue nations designated by Bush in 2002 for future “liberation back to the stone age,” originally consisted of Iran, North Korea and Iraq. Cuba, Libya and Syria were later added to the list after an underattended Bush birthday celebration in July.
The list has taken on a broader tone in recent months, as the roll call of the president’s “Axis” enemies has been expanded to include the environment, ice cream headaches, the city of Toronto, STDs, gay bikers, ABC’s primetime lineup, cold sores, childproof Advil and Blue Oyster Cult.
This seemingly neurotic daily expansion of the list has led to the ironic cultural trend of “Axising” disliked pop-culture fads or unpopular coworkers in wiseass circles nationwide.
“Britney Spears? She’s so ‘Axis’ right now,” gossiped clubgoer Ryan Barnes. “She’s worse than North Korea, talk about stockpiling weapons of mass deSUCKtion! Ha ha. Oh, and piercing. I’m so fucking sick of piercing.”
Much speculation has surrounded the timing of Bush’s “Axising” of the Segway Human Transporter, which took place concurrent with grainy home video footage hitting the Internet that showed Bush falling off a Segway like a big retarded ape last weekend in Maine.
While the Bush administration has denied any link between the two events, the public remains skeptical.
“Did you see that shit?” gasped college sophomore Dennis Porter. “That was tha bomb, I almost shit when that gimp wanged his nuts on that gay-ass scooter thing! Who does he think he is, Devo?”
The Segway Human Transporter was unveiled in December of 2001 after a full year of speculation and claims that Dean Kamen’s mysterious new invention would change the world forever. Once unveiled, the transporter was met with embarrassed silence from an American public that had thought it was going to be a hovercar or android man or something incredible like that.
“Thanks to the Segway’s four internal gyroscopes, it’s nearly impossible to fall off of the transporter,” explained inventor Kamen. “We used to just say it was impossible, but then we discovered that if you get a blind guy drunk enough, and have him try to ride it down some stairs, sometimes they can manage. And now, well, the president thing of course.”
In his speech, Bush vowed to embargo any possible shipments of Segway scooters destined for North Korea, keeping the dangerous fad toy from falling into the hands of Kim Jong Il’s bizarre regime. The president, however, did not take this opportunity to explain what use the North Koreans would have for an expensive goofy scooter that looks like George Jetson’s lawnmower.
the commune news thought those razor scooters were going to change the way we lived forever, so we’re not about to be fooled twice concerning the revolutionary power of scootering. Lil Duncan has yet to have a president fall off of her mid-ride, but the term is still young.
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