Even Better Than the Reality Thing
the commune’s Omar Bricks, coming to a real world near you 

Somebody just told me the other day that the big thing these days is reality TV. Apparently there’s some show where a bunch of idiots are stuck on an island and they have to do goofy things every week to survive. I told that dope that Omar Bricks has been hip to Gilligan’s Island for years, but it turns out he was talking about a different show. Just goes to prove the saying that everything old is new again. Except Bob Hope, damn. That guy’s so old his odometer rolled over and they’re putting single-digit candles on his birthday cake again. If I ever get that old there’d better be some magnificent future world for me to sit around and bitch about, that’s all I can say.

I guess the thing now is that everybody’s got cameras in their houses and people sit around and watch other families on TV, that’s the hot thing right now. When I was a kid they kicked your ass for that kind of thing, but I guess it’s all kosher now that it’s Alice Cooper’s family or whatever on TV. It is kind of funny when he bites the head off of shit at the dinner table, but I still think The Munsters did it better, and first. I don’t remember anybody gossiping back then about whether or not Grandpa was going to beat breast cancer, there must’ve been more going on in the world back then.

People apparently can’t get enough of this reality stuff, even if it sucks. Actually especially if it sucks, from what I’ve heard. These people wouldn’t know a good reality show if it snuck up behind them and made them bungee jump naked into a pie tin full of rats. If this isn’t a situation screaming for Bricks-style intervention, then neither was last month’s slot car racing semifinals.

It’s obvious that what the world needs is a dose of true reality, Omar Bricks-level reality. The good shit. So I’ve taken as my solemn duty to outfit Osaka with Ramrod Hurley’s stolen home video camera and gave her specific pantomimed instructions not to let a single morsel of Bricksian reality go untaped from now on. I even got her a shirt from the show COPS so people won’t hassle her for filming in casinos or strangers’ backyards or other such normally taboo locales.

If these people think Alice Cooper getting a rubber chocolate Easter bunny lodged in his colon is entertaining, they’ve obviously never seen what an actual real person can do with an air cannon that shoots tennis balls on fire in Amish country.

I’m not sure what we’re going to call the show, maybe something clever like “Run, It’s the Cops!” with Omar Bricks or maybe The Masked Reality Badass if I anticipate legal hassles. Some dude told me they already have that show and it’s called Jackass, which you can guess got him stuffed down a port-a-john like instant magic. If there’s one thing I won’t tolerate, it’s insults disguised as information.

Some might ask how a guy who’s never seen a reality show is going to revolutionize the genre, but that kind of thinking is the exact reason you’re not a genius yourself. All the hot new shit comes from guys who don’t know what the hell they’re doing. Just look at the Beatles: Half the time they didn’t even have the tape running the right way and Paul held his guitar all retarded and backwards like he’d never seen one before. I hear sometimes they even let the freakin’ drummer sing, not exactly a batch of Julliard grads. Mozart himself didn’t know thing one about music, how could he? Dude was only five when he died. When I was five, I thought swearing into a kazoo was music. But people back then were sick of all that bullshit harpsichord music and they went ape for some kid dicking around on a piano. And that changed music forever.

By the way, if you happen to see an Omar Bricks-looking dude jogging down your street with a diminutive Asian camerawoman in tow, try to cover up any corporate logos you might be wearing. I don’t think we’ve got the budget for that shit. Thanks.

Bricks out.

Mail Order Bride Monopoly
I have to say I was very disappointed in the response to my shout-out for little Asian kids to join my rock family. So far I haven’t got a single kid signed up, not even any tone-deaf little Asian tykes who can lip-synch. I can only think this says bad things about literacy among our nation’s Asian youth.

Starting an Asian Rock Family
I don’t tell this to many people, unless they ask, but it’s long been my dream to be part of some kind of rock-band family, like the Partridges. Or Fleetwood Mac. I mean, how much ass would that kick? Your family’s got groupies and your dad’s doing monster lines of coke all the time. Damn.

Bricks on the Fourth of July
It’s about a month away, I know, but when you want to make it a memorable good time, you’ve got to plan well in advance. It’s just not smart to put a houseful of fireworks and a truckload of Miller Genuine Draft together without more than a little planning.

Polio at 50
A little bird recently asked me what it felt like to do 50. I answered that question with this question: What does it feel like to eat a bacon cheeseburger through a straw, dickface? That was right before I hit the little bird in the mouth with an encyclopedia.

You Don’t Know Dick About Tennis
You know how you can really piss off a total stranger? Insist they don’t know anything about tennis. Everyone from John McEnroe down to Tommy Chong will take offense at a statement like that. Doesn’t matter if they’ve never picked up a racquet before in their lives.