Waiter!
by Skippy LeBonne 

“A ball bearing wearing ranch dressing blessing Blanche’s wedding? Upsetting,” Ted grieved as he weaved his sleeve.

“Hey, what did you say?” Nate was late. “Speak up toward my head, Ted.”

“Whose blues did Louis use?” Ted said.

“Choose? I ought not. Hey, have you met the redhead I caught sleeping on my cot?”

Nate’s spate of dates elated Ted who, sated, rated aphids one to ten. A four wined and dined a nine, then mated, milked and bilked her.

“Sad, that fat cad,” Ted lamented the male’s betrayal. “You shoulda seen that green machine, a real operator. Waiter!”

“Later, sir. Later.” The waiter didn’t wait.

“I only wanted the quota of soda water afforded my daughter, that which I bought her. Did you see that? That guy looked at me like I was an otter potter,” grumped Ted.

“Please, he’s only busy tonight,” read Ed as he looked in his book. “It’s a lonely sight, you sitting here with beer in your tears.”

“Cheers,” Ted said to Ed, whose otter was dead.

Ed puffed a cigar he’d lit in the car.

“Smoke not lest ye be smoked,” joked Ted, the smell already swelling his head.

“Well hell, Ted, these smell just swell. Can’t you tell?” he asked as Ted fell.

Nate’s plate nearly wrecked when Ted hit the deck. “What the heck, Ted? You almost made me jump and dump my rump!”

“Sorry for the bump,” said Ted, feeling like a chump, cursing and nursing his lump. “I guess I’ll just breathe later. Waiter!”

What Holds It All Together
I’m careful with my stapler-- I use it when I have to, but I try not to be wasteful, lest the staples disappear.

Wet the Ted
Loosely Ted did wet the bed, though none of the neighbors could hear. Not even when Teddy, his day wrecked already, wet the pillow with one salty tear.

America the Beautifart
O beautiful farts stained the skies, For lumber made of brains, For purple Muppet maggot fleas A dove went fruity (gay)! America! America! God shaves his balls with thee!

Sleepwalkers
Sleeping deeply, Major Fleeping rose though no alarm was beeping and made a sandwich of apple cores, which he chewed between the snores.