Free Indian
by Alamo Cruise, “The Hopeless Loser” 

“Fight, men! Like you’ve never fought before! — Try winning this time.”

I was just in my first fight yesterday. Well, the first fight I ever won. It was closer to a draw, maybe, but I didn’t get the shit beat out of me. Unless you saw it. In that case, it was the first fight I started on purpose, but I fought the good fight, like the saying goes.

After you fight it takes a long while to “come down.” You walk around on edge, ready to jump on everybody. It’s like all your senses are heightened and shit. You’re some kind of kung fu maniac just waiting for an excuse to tear someone a new ass. This five year old kid set off a firecracker and I spun on him with the hands of death ready to kill. That was the second fight I ever started. I felt better about that one, I think I’m getting close to a win with every punch.

There are some people who don’t fight, no matter what happens. Like Gandhi. He wore a toga everywhere because he was a real party animal. People would get drunk at parties and always want to start shit with him, but he would tell them to settle down, he wasn’t going to fight them. They would kick his ass and he still wouldn’t fight back. Eventually it paid off because he got a free Indian. They made a show about it, you may have heard of it… Kung Fu? Of course, in the show he had to fight because they don’t do TV shows about pussies.

When I first heard of Gandhi, I thought it sounded real familiar. Then I remembered Kenny Rogers did that “Coward of the County” song about him. Kenny Rogers must have been a big fan of Gandhi’s. And I love that song, when they keep calling the guy a pussy and eventually he starts to leave but he finds the door’s locked, so he has to fight his way out. That’s like the story of my life, except I haven’t gotten to the last verse yet.

When someone fights when he doesn’t want to, he’s called a pacifist. That’s what he calls himself anyway. There’s good reasons to not fight, like you could get killed. There was a famous saying some teacher told me once, about not fighting: “It takes more muscles not to fight than it does to fight.” I’m not sure what muscles she was talking about, she asked me to leave the class before I got to that part.

As good as pacifism is, I think I’d rather fight. In fact, if I had to do it, I’d probably like to fight a pacifist. As long as you don’t lock them inside with you they can’t fight back, it’s against their own personal legal code. So you could really kick some ass, and get it on tape. Then I’d show it to the guys who whupped my ass before and just tell them I didn’t fight before because I was a man of peace. Hopefully they wouldn’t ask why I kicked the pacifist’s ass then. I haven’t thought of that part of the lie yet.

Whale Ass
I do wonder why people would live at the North Pole at all, or any of those Eskimo places. You got to imagine they’re the ones who started all these rumors about Santa Claus. ‘Cause let’s face it, they lose Santa Claus, there’s no reason for anybody to go see the North Pole. Just to say they went, I guess, but that means your tourist dollars are coming entirely from pricks. That would suck.

Losing for Dummies
The worst one I ever got was Self-Esteem Building for Dummies. I read the whole book and only felt more like an idiot. After all, only a real shithead would finish a book for dummies.

Fresh Step
I wish I could dance, but not everybody was meant to dance. John Travolta and that fruity guy with the top hat in old movies. And old dancing was easier to do. It usually meant just finding a room that would turn upside down and then right side up and moving your legs around while holding a cane.