Now that America has had a few post-Christmas weeks to calm down from the wet dream of capturing deposed dictator Saddam Hussein, we have to ask ourselves the very real question: What to do with the prick? And by us, I mean, Bush and his friends. After all, they were the ones who put their necks on the line to bring him to justice. It’s not like the American people had any part in it at all.

The immediate consideration for the administration, beyond getting re-elected in November, speaking just in terms of the Saddam Hussein issue, is how to classify Saddam Hussein. Original classifications of “a tubby, hairy hole-livin’ weapons-hider” proved to just be White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan having fun with reporters. No, seriously, the administration later stated, Saddam Hussein is to be classified as a POW, at least until such time as it becomes better political fuel to classify him otherwise.

It’s no wonder the Saddam Hussein issue is being handled so delicately, like a hemaphroditic baby. There’s no end to the kinds of information Saddam Hussein could tell us about his wondrous country. How he managed to make an entire population docile, unwilling to fight back and unseat him from his government, and how to antagonize other world leaders for 13 years running. It’s the exact kind of thing vital to the Bush administration’s plans for a second term.

Not to mention Hussein’s biggest talents, either hiding incredibly large reserves of weapons of mass destruction, or making the world believe he has large reserves of weapons of mass destruction which he doesn’t really possess. If you consider it, either is an amazing ability of limitless benefit to any world leader.

Imagine the amount of power any world leader could accrue if he could stockpile massive numbers of chemical, biological, or even nuclear weapons, and then hide them from the notice of everyone in the world. Even the world’s greatest weapons-finders wouldn’t be able to unearth them. So greatly hidden would these weapons be, world leaders would have to write them down and never lose the paper telling where they were, otherwise they’d be forever lost.

Or, even if it’s true, as critics of the administration and pure logic tells us, there never were any weapons of mass destruction, imagine that. You’re talking hot shit now. You could spend nil on weapons for defense, or offense, shell out all your money for educational and social programs to take care of your population or investing in creating new jobs, and not have to spend a dime on weapons. The world would believe you have them and never want to see them. It would be like being the most economically and militarily powerful country in the world, for half the money.

All of this, of course, hinges on the classification of Saddam Hussein. It’s imperative now the United States keep the rest of the world away from the dictator. If we need to juggle his classification, from war criminal to jailed drunk or whatever, anything to keep outside investigators from sneaking and finding out his fat juicy secrets, we should do it. Sure, the U.S. might not even really need any of those secrets. But Saddam Hussein is, as the Bush administration (the first and the unpopular sequel) has attested for years, the most dangerous criminal mastermind to ever live. Never should we forget this propaganda, and we must keep him from passing his secrets on to other world dicks.