SANJAY: Eddie! How are you?
EDWARD: Sanjay. Good, good. Doing well.
SANJAY: Great.
EDWARD: Fine. (pause) You doing okay?
SANJAY: Super. Just super. (pause) Did you have any trouble finding the…?
EDWARD: No. No. It was easy.
SANJAY: Oh. Good.
EDWARD: I used to have a gym membership at the place at the end of the block.
SANJAY: Oh.
EDWARD: Not that I used it that much.
SANJAY: (laughing) I know what you mean!
EDWARD: (pause) Yep. Not that much.
SANJAY: Right.
EDWARD: Uh-huh.
SANJAY: (pause) Did you, uh… you were looking into buying that Chevelle the last time I saw you.
EDWARD: Yeah, yeah, I remember.
SANJAY: Did that…?
EDWARD: Oh, no. The guy wanted too much.
SANJAY: (pause) That’s too bad.
EDWARD: (pause) It’s okay. (pause) I managed to find a, uh, Dodge about a week later. Cheaper. It runs better, too.
SANJAY: Oh. Good.
EDWARD: I already sold it.
SANJAY: Right. (pause; sigh) So, that Lord of the Rings movie is pretty big right now.
EDWARD: Yeah. Big. (pause) Everybody’s talking about it.
SANJAY: Right. They are. (pause) Did you like it then…?
EDWARD: Oh, I didn’t see it. (pause) I didn’t get around to… not yet.
SANJAY: Oh.
EDWARD: Yeah.
SANJAY: You should.
EDWARD: Yeah. I will.
SANJAY: Maybe when it comes to the video store.
EDWARD: Mm-hmm.
SANJAY: (pause) It’s interesting. That movie. You know. (pause) In a way, I watched it almost like I was a second self. Do you know what I mean?
EDWARD: No. How?
SANJAY: Well, almost like I was experiencing the movie through the eyes of my children. I saw it with my children—Biffy and Magpie—and they simply loved it. But I’ve never been much on fantasy myself. But I watched it, and really enjoyed it, but I wonder if it wasn’t because I was sitting right next to them.
EDWARD: Right.
SANJAY: Sort of vicariously absorbing the experience with them as a medium. I don’t know what you would call it—reliving my childhood. Or that rare experience of being part of something with more than one person, like you take on a multiple consciousness, this crowd consciousness. Almost like a mob mentality, but in a positive manner. (pause) It was odd. Have you ever had anything like that happen to you?
EDWARD: No.
SANJAY: (pause) Oh.
EDWARD: (pause) There was this one time… (pause) No, that was entirely different. But still. You know.
SANJAY: Yes?
EDWARD: I do plan on seeing it on video.
For more of this great story, buy Edward Fancy and Sanjay Choktan’s
My Dinner with Sanjay: The Screenplay
A Fistul of Tannenbaum, Chapter 2: Sierra Mist
“You’ve made me remember what I liked so much about kicking back in my palatial estate and receiving fellatio from one of the many twentysomething girls in my employ,” said Foster with a huff. “Everything.”
Pirates of the Terrible Kind
“Arr,” growled Captain Blueballs as his ship, the Black Mama, crept slowly into cursed waters. “These waters be cursed,” announced Blueballs gravely. “But Cap’n,” asked Nonose. “Weren’t you the one who cursed them?”
A Fistul of Tannenbaum, Chapter 1: No Mercy
Jed sat at his desk and lit another cigar. He laughed bitterly at the phallic smoking utensil. “These things are going to kill you one day, Jed.” “You’re damn right they will,” a voice said. It was not the cigar.
Some Fuck Stole Christmas
People awoke all a-clatter from their dreams of sugarplums and shit and found every single piece of valuable merchandise had been lifted during the night. Even the sentimental crap, homemade decorations and what, had disappeared without so much as a fingerprint. Detectives in the 9th precinct were shithouse.