I think I finally found my niche in the world. I was watching those VH-1 shows about the ‘80s and the ‘70s and all these people talking about cool things. It’s the kind of show you watch and you say, “I remember that!” But not me. I had to sell my memories in 1990 or they were going to repossess my apartment, with me in it. The guys who bought them left me the memories of my mom and dad and family, they said those had no resale value, but I can’t really remember much of anything else. Which is a shame, because everyone keeps telling me the networks never gave Tales of the Gold Monkey a chance, and that sounds like the kind of show I’d like.

But my niche. Like I said, I found it. I’m going to be the first guy to have ‘90s nostalgia. I’m even going to copyright it so everyone else has to pay me when they want it. I can do ‘90s nostalgia. That shit was awesome, as I remember it.

Like remember M.C. Hammer? His pants were big. He always hung out with a lot of guys and jumped around, and sang some of those famous, unforgettable songs. Like the Addams Family one. Like he said, don’t touch him, remember? That was awesome. I expect to get $1.50 out of that one, on average.

After that we came up with grunge. I still remember the big bands from those years. Like Joan Osbourne and Dishwalla. They were in-your-face, like punk, but everybody could like them. They said God was a bum and they wanted to hear what you thought, which was cool. I wrote a song and sent it to Dishwalla and I guess they had a creative writing block or something because they haven’t gotten back to me yet. That’s probably worth about $4. $5, if I throw in Tracy Bonham’s mom.

They had a ton of cool movies in the ‘90s, too. Remember Braveheart and Schindler’s Lab? I didn’t see them but lots of people did. From the box you could tell Mel Gibson had long hair and was a roadie or something. I bet that was cool. He was crazy, wearing that dress and all. And Schindler’s Lab was in black and white, judging by the back of the box, so I didn’t see it. But it was pretty tempting, because they had those cool Matrix-looking numbers on the front. It was probably an awesome computer movie like Johnny Nemamonic, another kick-ass ‘90s movie. Which I didn’t see. I’ll only charge about $1 for all those, since I didn’t see them. But reminding other people they saw them should be worth something.

And who could forget the music? But we did that already.

Remember when Chris Farley and Princess Diana were killed in that car crash? That sucked. They were so funny. I’d like to take a long pause to remember them, and charge about $10 for it.

T.V. was completely “fresh” in the ‘90s, too. I didn’t have one, but it was. Sometimes I would watch them at a friend’s house, or through the neighbor’s window. There were lots of doctor and lawyer shows, because they can afford televisions. What do you think that’s worth, about $1.30? Not too much, but something.

Anyway, since I lost my job this will be a nice way to pay the bills. And keep my memories! So consider this an invoice for $18.80. Cash and check are fine, but I can’t take credit cards. I’m looking into Paypal.