I just returned from that commune retreat thing, where I had a lot of fun. I know everybody else got back about three weeks ago, but like I said, I was having fun. As far as I’m concerned, I decide when the retreat is over. It’s not very cool to invite me to a relaxing retreat and then decide I’m relaxed before I decided.

But it worked out pretty sweet. I had a lot of fun, set fire to a few things, got into a few scrapes with wild animals, all the things a good vacation should be. I had a chance to do some real soul-searching, and scored a few wallets, too. It’s not very Bricksian, I know, but I had to ask myself where my life was going. No car, no love in my life, working for the commune—some people might consider those things setbacks. All in all, I’m happy, don’t get me wrong, but since I don’t have a family, I thought maybe it was time I did something to gain me some immortality points.

Now, I know a lot of people can do different things for immortality—paint pictures, donate money to hospitals for a building in their name, or spray paint your name on a wall. But I wanted to do something with children, since the courts are always telling me I’ve got a lot in common with them. Kids are cool, unless they’re complete shits, but you have to make that distinction on a kid-by-kid basis. So I wanted to give back to them. Help shape the future by doing something today. Or not today, you know, but in the next couple of years or whatever. Introducing (drum roll) Camp Bricks!

You heard right, boys. Camp Bricks. I got the idea while we were on that retreat, how it was almost like a really boring touchy-feely camp for adults. But being close to the woods brought out the real Omar, and I thought if I could do that for kids, that shit would kick.

Well, I suppose I also got the idea partly from Meatballs, 1 and 2. 2 was pretty crappy, but it wasn’t too bad. 3 was awful, so I wouldn’t want my camp to be like it at all. Mainly I just figure kids need a place where they could come and get into races and all sorts of athletic competitions against rich kids and find a way to win using their own weirdness to their advantage. And they can talk about jacking off and swim across the lake to hang out with girls and stuff. I wish I had the chance to do some of that stuff when I was a kid. I could swim across the Hudson River if I wanted, but that’s got a pretty strong current. And there were plenty of girls on this side of the River to hang out with, so it seemed pretty pointless.

Kids need a way to build up their self-esteem. If you watch shows about kids these days they’re all idiots. They dress like they get prizes for conforming and they worry about getting into college when they’re 9. That’s bullshit. I say if you’re not on a first-name basis with a court’s juvenile case worker, you’re not getting the full childhood experience. They need a role model, and I don’t see why it can’t be me. Anything’s got to be better than those Malcolm in the Middle posers.

I should say that I won’t be messing around with teen-age girls. Anymore. Fool me once, shame on me, all that, and the cops are watching me pretty closely about it all. But I figure I can take care of the boys, there’s got to be someone cool enough to handle the girls out there. Not that I’m against dressing up and pretending to be a counselor named Edwina. If nothing else, it would make a really good chapter of my autobiography, and they could make it into a movie called Big Sister, but right now I’m strictly looking for the genuine female variety of counselor. Let me know if someone cool comes to mind.