I’m too sickened to even lecture you today. Someone killed Gorodon, my level 4 elf yesterday. I dedicate this column to his memory, and may Chet, our Dungeon Master, spend eternity plagued by the harm he’s done.


In Theaters

The Last Samurai
I have a feeling I would have found the next-to-last samurai much more plausible. Come, watch Hollywood’s attempt to make a foreign film, playing by their own rules. Producers very much wanted a movie filled with the epic scope of Kurosawa’s huge samurai epics, but didn’t want to force American audiences to stare at a scary, unknown face of someone not white for a whole two hours. Enter Tom Cruise, and exit Orson Welch.

Calendar Girls
Clearly the failure of this movie demonstrates how much audiences wanted to think about old women naked. Take the articulate storytelling of Showgirls and add to it the sex appeal of Cocoon, then ship it straight to video because your theater will be empty. Frankly, it’s hard to understand the reasoning here—two hours of nude women is misogynistic, add forty years to all of them and suddenly you have a warm chick flick? Decide what you want, ladies, then get back to us.

Girl With a Pearl Earring
A costume drama with no drama. The title is also the name of a painting, and the film would be hard to distinguish from it since neither moves very much. I’ve seen Girl With a Pearl Necklace and it wasn’t much on plot, but at least it had a big finish. Still, if watching big-name actors ponce around in stockings and bustles, speaking with accents in dull tones makes an artsy film for you, this movie fits all qualifications. Watch it instead of C.S.I. one night and feel like a well-rounded person.


That’s all for me. Until next time, remember: They don’t make movies like they used to, and even then they didn’t really impress me much.

April 19, 2004
Hellboy, Kill Bill Vol 2, The Punisher, Waulken Tall

April 5, 2004
Anal Reaming Controls the Universe, Freedom Force, Resident Devo, Might & Management IX

March 29, 2004
Ask Roland, All About the Berenstains, Ice Age, Mentident Evil, Picnic Room, Pig Trouble, Joy Ride, K-PAX, Sexy Bees, and more.

March 8, 2004
Schindler’s List, Mona Lisa Smile, 21 Grams