Good morrow, gentlefolk. I have just returned from my bi-monthly excursion to the Clatterton, New Jersey Renaissance Festival and I mourn the loss of medieval times. Even more so, I curse the inventions of televisions and motion pictures. What better time to review the upcoming DVD releases.


In Theaters

Van Helsing
Hugh Jackman is Jack Shit in this re-telling… re-telling? Not quite. In this completely farcical defecation of the original Bram Stoker character who hunted Dracula. Only if Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn formed a boy band could Hollywood more ruthlessly violate a literary classic. The special effects are amazing, and by special effects, I mean the genius editing done by the marketing department that fooled countless individuals into seeing it at the theater. No doubt the DVD will sell well, too. Possibly the greatest injustice we’ll suffer this year.

Garfield: The Movie
Remember the 1980s classic cartoon strip “Garfield,” about the wisecracking lazy cat who loved lasagna and hated Mondays? No? That’s precisely why the demonic forces of Tinsel Town have seen fit to smite us with a live-action version of this forgotten Rubik’s Cube of a character. In this, Garfield learns that jealousy can lead him to misjudging a new friend, and we learn that animals should be harmed in films.

Dawn of the Dead
This complete rip-off of the 1985 George Romero zombie sequel is actually the most original thing coming out this week. Not a compliment. The make-up effects and casting is much improved from the original. In fact, let’s just say that everything is much improved from the original. Still not a compliment. Not a shred of unique thought slips into this movie, it’s locked up tight. You have to respect the serious devotion to unoriginality exhibited by the director, whatever he was, as the original modern parable of the living dead walking a shopping mall is not lost on today’s audience. Today’s audience, of course, also living dead. How clever that an audience can watch a thinly-veiled metaphor insult the bejesus out of them and they still possess enough capability for cognitive dissonance to deny they’re the very ones being mocked. But not you, of course, dear reader.


I must go, before the smirk on my face begins to slip. By the way, if anyone knows how long a full roast duck or turkey leg will maintain in a modern refrigerator, please let me know. It’s a long way until next month’s RenFest.

October 4, 2004
The Forgotten, National Lampoon’s Gold Niggers, Shy Captain and the World of Sbarro

September 20, 2004
The Star Wars Trilogy, Mean Girls, Cigarettes and Coffee

September 6, 2004
Anacondors: The Hunt for the Blood Orchard, The Brown Bunny, Suspect Zero

August 23, 2004
The Girl Next Door, The Punisher, The Passion of the Christ