Red Bagel reporting, operating from the secret underground hovel I’ve been conducting all business from since Nov. 4. I plan on being here for the next four years, just so you know, but I’m still open to communication through a short list of contacts I trust. Oh, shit—I have to revise the list. I forgot Paulie never returned that Sting CD of mine. I don’t need that kind of man having access to me.

The information flowing to me in the wake of the recent presidential election… it’s nothing short of overwhelming. Voter fraud and intimidation, handed down at all levels, including the president himself, appears to have been commonplace in every single state. Actually, I have reports on it from both sides in this election, but since the Democrats fucked themselves on this go-round, I’m only investigating the Republicans right now.

Starting with Ohio—the confused, barren wasteland that decided this election. Fortunately Michael Moore was on the scene with cameras in this and other battleground states; unfortunately for us, most of the vital voter-intimidating was not captured, as untrustworthy camera operators misused the equipment to capture “voters gone wild” outside the polling places. I found out, from some dismayed voters, extremely personal questions were asked of minority voters before they were allowed to enter the voting booth. Their names, street addresses, and whether or not they usually voted in that district, or similar invasive questions were asked. Some vote challengers even asked to see identification, and wouldn’t accept the word of a friend named Jay-Bee. I was even more distressed to find out, since Bush stole the election in 2000, all this has been legalized in determining voter eligibility.

More blatant instances of voter intimidation did occur, though. An anonymous voter from just outside Dayton detailed how vote challengers required him to dress up as a character from television’s Little House on the Prairie—perhaps Nellie Perkins—and chucked apples at him for their own amusement. One black voter from Cleveland described a heavyset Republican vote challenger who wore his hair in a greasy pompadour—immensely intimidating. Down in the south, some voting officials were described wearing cowboy hats and mirrored sunglasses and calling potential voters “son” or “sweetheart,” in efforts to scare them away from the poll. It’s true so far that all descriptions have come from northern voters who have never been to the south, but I’m still investigating these claims. I can’t rule anything out yet.

I filed a lawsuit with courts in several states to have a list of voters and who they voted for mailed to me, under the Freedom of Information Act, so I can read them aloud on television with air time purchased from my pocket. I figured that would clear up whether or not anyone was intimidated into voting for different candidates, but the government now tells me they don’t have such information. Maybe they’re not lying—it could have been burned already, though that’s a lot of information to burn all at one time. You would think we would smell the smoke.

America turned out in record numbers to vote, and the Republican party still won. I have to ask, America: What the fuck? But I haven’t lost all my faith in humanity yet. True, I won’t be seeing most of you until 2008, but I still believe on some level your hand was forced by shadowy groups. And ferreting out shadowy groups… let’s face it. It’s my calling.

I Must Repress My Memories Again
My usual hypno-regression therapist, Dakota, put me to the ultimate test, and scoured my brain to find deeply repressed memories. And what she found was the worst of all possible conclusions: For a short time, I was a member of the College Republicans.

Roughed Up by an Angel
Come to think of it, I’m not really sure what the angel wanted to impart to me. He didn’t say much. More of the “talks with his fists” type. But you can’t really make a point that way, not a coherent one anyway. He growled and ranted and muttered things here or there, but they mostly concerned some guy named Donnie and the money Donnie owes him.

Iraqi Politics Made Simple
Let’s look at a simple breakdown of Iraq’s political factions: Al-Dawaa, or the Islamic Call, one of the oldest America-hating parties, who also hated Saddam Hussein. Now he’s gone, so they’re back to hating America again.

Star Wars as You Know it No Longer Exists
The possibilities of this might confound you, as they easily confounded me, and occasionally still do when I approach the problem not expecting an ambush. I have a friend who is well-versed on time-travel and film history, and for the sake of this article let’s call him Steven Hawking.