In a race described as “pubic hair close,” numbers built up all election night in the columns of both candidates. However, the president piled electoral votes all night long as Kerry generally lagged behind, if not all that far behind. With key states still slow to declare their choice as winner, Kerry conceded the presidency when the numbers demonstrated a reasonable lead by Bush in the popular vote and in the state of Ohio. The Democratic candidate delivered his speech on Nov. 3, after a sleepless night of feeling the voters would support him with the final numbers.
“To all my supporters I have this to say: I have watched the race closely, as you have, and consulted with my advisors, and I have reached a single conclusion: God must really hate me,” said the Massachusetts senator. “There can be no other explanation for the fact that I have lacked the personality and excitement to build on my distinguished career and commendable war record, and convince America I couldn’t possibly be a worse president than Mr. Bush. A president universally abhorred outside our national borders, a president who will undoubtedly go down as the most insidious man to ever be re-elected by the American people, and I have somehow failed to channel his monumental boners into a Democratic victory. I go now, forever exiled from politics, to live in a cave somewhere. I wish I were speaking in metaphor, but I am being quite literal.”
Following Kerry’s concession, nervous states with votes still out rushed to throw their now-useless electoral votes behind the president, fearing many, many more visits by future Republican candidates. The final count became Bush at 286 electoral votes, Kerry at 252. Ralph Nader ran a distant third, and somehow even failed to draw the 0 electoral votes he hoped to get.
Political analysts detailed many factors in voters’ decisions to re-elect the man who has pissed off virtually everyone in the past four years. Voters for Bush overwhelmingly cited clichés, such as “stay the course,” and wanting to show “support for a war-time president,” even though it’s highly unlikely a Republican holding the office would not be a war-time president. They also showed an amazing recollection for Bush soundbites, disparaging John Kerry as “a flip-flopper” and a man with “no experience as president.” Other election analysts, more extreme in their calculations, suggest Bush found himself re-elected because Americans are masochists or simply hate the rest of the world, or a large collection of people really enjoy Michael Moore films and wanted to see a lot more.
In his victory speech, the president managed to just barely restrain his smugness, keeping it at an 8, tops, and usually just below a 5.
“The American people have spoken, and I won,” gloated the president Nov. 3. “I showed you who’s boss. We told the rest of the world we don’t care if they don’t like us. But we’ll show them—we’ll show them all. We’ll make them like us. We’re big enough, we’re strong enough, and Jesus speaks to me nightly.”
The president also reached out to Kerry supporters, attempting to rally them to his second term agenda.
“I know who you are. It’s okay if you voted for the other guy. But this is your last warning—fall in line. I have the power of the United States at my beck and call now. I cannot, and will not, ever be stopped.”