Quiet!

I’m going on a new diet!

Now don’t deny it,
you know you wanna try it!
Because a diet’s way easier to do
when the whole big world’s
on it with you!

Gonna lose that baby fat
that’s been lurking around my tummy
like a tapeworm
wrapped ‘round a mummy!
No more fat hanging around my belly
like an unwelcome bowl full of jelly!

And my new diet’s political too!
No more dolphin tuna for you-know-who!
World poverty? Gonna defeat it!
World suffering? Not gonna eat it!

No carbs for me,
And no nards for me neither!
I’m so hungry I could eat
the gonads off a nomad!
But that would make me so sad
since they’re high in Zinc.
So none for me, wink wink!

Back to nature I say!
Get out of my way!
I’m hungry enough to eat a squirrel
or the jock strap off of Milton Berle!

That’s nature’s way!
And starting today
no more sun-dried tomatoes. I’ll pass-a,
because that sun’s full of chemicals from NASA!

I’ll eat like an ape
before nature was raped
by hairspray and glue.
That’s what I’ll do!
What I understand from the zoo
is that they get by mostly on popcorn and candy.

I like popcorn and candy!

That’s it!
I’ll only eat things that fell on the ground
like anchovies or discarded ground round!
I’ll eat till I sick up
all the things I could pick up
if I were naked and wild,
and the donuts were piled
in the woods by the birds
instead of bird turds.

Do you think bacon counts?
I like bacon.
I’m pretty sure I could pick some up bacon naked
if everyone else in the store was distracted.

I’ll be a fruititarian
and only eat from the aquarium!
I’ll be more vegan
than Ronald Reagan!
I’ll show that Atkins
I can eat only bat shins!
I’ll go macrobiotic
like an Asian psychotic!
I’ll go all Christian Outreach
on that there South Beach!

And if John Tesh invents a diet?

I’ll try it!

Ooh, Jesus. These pork rinds are sal-ty!

This diet needs some beer, and quick!

Peace Frog
What if there were a holiday called “Homosexual Easter”? Would you take the day off work? Or would you just show up anyway and work so nobody thought you were queer? That’s a tough one.

Dromediary
Long and hairy luminaries hang from the sky and dangle scary fingers downward in repose just itching to twitch and pick my nose.

Ray Manatino’s Half-Remembered Classics
Jack Sprat could eat no fat but his wife was a big fat bitch. Shit could she eat, she ate all my beets and my pickled pig’s feets. Next week poker’s at your house, Jack.