Acting quick on the heels of Thursday’s stunning blow to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, the journalism’s newest reporting hero, Spc. Jerry Wilson, shook the civilian world again when he revealed at least 30% of the Coalition troops operating in Iraq are, in fact, mannequins. White House and Pentagon sources would not verify or refute the claims, as they fled running from the hard-biting overnight sensation rocking the national media.

The allegation, if proven true, could be more bad news for an embarrassed U.S. government, who had to answer to Wilson‘s charges Thursday that American troops were being put in harm’s way by being sent into battle without proper armor, due to military cutbacks. The question stunned Sec. Rumsfeld, who had only come to shmooze photos with the troops and receive questions on how come the U.S. military was so awesome, dude. Spc. Wilson described instances when U.S. troops dug through dumpsters to find refuse they could use to layer the tanks for better safety.

Wilson followed that coup-de-grace on Saturday, at a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a newly unveiled Kuwaiti McDonald’s, charging that at least 45,000 of the U.S. soldiers serving in Iraq and overseas are mannequins, realistic-looking plaster models of real troops. A startled, non-English speaking Ronald McDonald had no comment.

“It’s a tragedy, nothing short of a tragedy,” Spc. Wilson eloquently spoke, addressing the many burger-loving Kuwaiti citizens and throngs of media, “that the United States would send its troops into danger so under-prepared to meet the threat of real, living terrorists. In a live combat situation, a solider has to be able to depend on the man guarding his back. If that man is, in fact, a doll, it makes for high casualties and even higher numbers of men killed in action.”

Such news, if verified, gives fuel to opponents of the war in Iraq who accuse the Bush administration and its invisible allies of initiating the “regime change” with poor planning and a military force not ready for a combat operation of such a scale.

Defense Secretary Rumsfeld has been under fire for his answer to Thursday’s question, “You go to war with the Army you have, not the Army you might want or wish to have.” Rumsfeld, hiding under his desk at the Pentagon, was found by reporters and offered a Woody Allen-esque stuttering reply. “That’s a good, uh, good question. We, er, that is to say, the government… who we all are, the government, you know… we are looking into, um, the, er, charges of this, uh… what was the name of the guy you wanted again? Oh, Rumsfeld! He left for the day. I’m, uh… Fumsreld.”

While no one would go on record to confirm or deny the allegations, some sources in the Pentagon agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity, and that we at the commune would buy lunch. Applebee’s, of course.

“What do you think we meant by ‘stop-gap’ measures to deal with the military shortage?” said one four-star general, whom we’ll call General Mills. “It means, ‘Stop asking for more troops, ‘cause we got none—here’s some replacements from the Gap, though.’ You got a problem with it? Enlist, wiseguy.”

Soldiers in the field were less willing to talk with us, even off the record, and some could not even open their mouths, refusing to move entirely while in our presence.