Wall Street, the place (not the Oliver Stone movie) known to confused New York tourists as “Tin Pan Alley,” was rocked by erratic stock prices last week following the market-shaking news that Hollywood supercouple Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were separating after four and a half years of marriage. NASDAQ closed down over 400 points Monday as skittish investors struggled to find their place in a cold and confusing new world, and the other market thing also went number two.
“This decision is the result of much thoughtful consideration,” explained Pitt to People magazine, “and is not the result of any of the speculation reported by the tabloid media. Thank you for your interest and please respect our privacy in this matter.”
Despite the actor’s modest response, numerous foreign heads of state jammed the telephone lines after the news broke, desperate for information about the breakup and eager to console the ailing ex-lovers. President Bush was not taking calls on Monday, and according to reports close to the president, Bush spent most of the day sobbing into a large glass of eggnog.
“They were Hollywood’s golden couple,” cried Chairman of the Federal Reserve Alan Greenspan. “Who didn’t want to be Brad Pitt? Or even Jennifer Aniston? That might even be better. Now, I don’t know. Maybe we need to slash interest rates again. I’ll be in my room if anybody needs me.”
TWA cancelled all flights on Saturday in wake of the news, not wanting to take any chances with distraught pilots who might understandably steer their airliners into mountainsides or other points of scenic interest, due to difficulty in processing this dark news.
“Best to give our people a few days off to let this sink in,” explained TWA spokesperson Alan Grover, “to get their sense of perspective back and prepare to go on with their lives.” Other major airlines were quick to follow suit.
Pitt, widely considered to be one of the most attractive men alive, and Aniston, widely considered to be married to one of the most attractive men alive, were both married in an extravagant ceremony in 2000. Jealous, bitchy tabloids dubbed the coupling “Bradley and the Beast,” immediately accusing Pitt of upstaging Aniston in photos, and predicting the marriage would last only five years. Pitt and Aniston had the last laugh however, making the tabloids look foolish by separating a full six months ahead of schedule.
The news fell hard throughout all walks of American life Saturday, from the proverbial man sleeping on the street to the very pinnacles of power, where business titans fretted over the breakup’s effect on the already weak dollar.
“Oh shit,” despaired Chevron CEO David O’Reilly. “This changes everything.”
“Sell! Sell!” screamed day trader Jacob Lerner into a telephone that didn’t appear to be plugged in.
Despite the accepted tradition of a national week of mourning following all significant celebrity breakups, the NFL decided to continue with playoff games Saturday, honoring the couple instead with fighter jet fly-overs above all playoff stadiums.
“America needs to feel hope for the future in this dark hour,” explained NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue. “And if the Patriots putting the smack-down on the Colts is what provides that hope for people, well, then it is the NFL’s solemn duty to dish out the hope.”
“For the love of God, please respect our privacy as human beings,” pleaded Pitt graciously on Tuesday, clearly flattered by all the attention after climbing over the throng of reporters blocking the entrance to the couple’s Hollywood Hills home.
A hastily-arranged tribute concert for the couple went off without a hitch Saturday night, with consoling acts such as Norah Jones, Korn, Seal, and Hootie and the Blowfish all paying tribute to the beautiful couple in a tear-filled salute at Madison Square Garden, shared with the world via Pay per View.
Celebrity singer Whitney Houston, though not involved in the concert nor a friend of the couple, consoled both Brad and Jennifer with a spontaneous telephone rendition of her soaring ballad “I Will Always Love You” on Saturday night. Aniston was reportedly stunned into silence by the call, while Pitt was not home at the time and will reportedly hear the song on his answering machine later.
“Jesus, can’t you people leave us the fuck alone?” gasped an exasperated Pitt, cornered by news crews in a toilet stall of a Hollywood restaurant’s men’s room on Sunday.
Flattered into embarrassment by all the attention, Pitt meanwhile has refused to speak to the American media further about the breakup, speaking only to Japanese reporters who, due to cultural differences, don’t understand the concept of romance.
News of the breakup comes amidst rumors of Pitt’s celebrainfadelity with fellow hot person Angelina Jolie on the set of their upcoming film Mr. and Mrs. Smith, with tabloids speculating that Jolie can better relate to Pitt’s ultragorgeous status, unlike the merely attractive Aniston.
Similar rumors spread during the filming of last year’s Ocean’s Twelve, when the hunk-like Pitt was paired romantically on-screen with the similarly unattainable Catherine Zeta-Jones, despite Jones’ icky marriage to ancient crypt-keeper Michael Douglas.
Financial analysts are banking their hopes for a U.S. economic recovery on either a Pitt-Aniston reconciliation early in 2005, or a quick remarriage between Pitt and Jolie, Zeta-Jones, or other suitable ultrahottie.