Iran, the Middle East’s “other Ira,” fought back with lethal verbal force on Friday, responding to U.S. warnings to “straighten up and fly right” with a dangerous barrage of sarcasm and pretend fright. Iranian President Mohammad “Salami” Khatami unleashed an attack of insincerity the likes of which few countries have ever seen.
“We are so scared of you,” said Khatami, while numerous friends cracked up behind him. “Please, do not send your thousands of groundtroops and air craft carriers and stealth bombers to demolish our ancient culture with an invasion—an invasion, I point out, which would be so justified.”
The mockery comes following recent announcements by the White House and U.S. President George W. Bush, warning Iran that pursuing a nuclear program would lead to sanctions or other measures against the country.
Thursday, Bush added, “And don’t say, ‘What nuclear weapons?’ That ain’t gonna fly.”
Instead, Khatami reacted with deadly sarcasm, holding a rally in Tehran Friday to goad the U.S. and entertain his countrymen.
“Oh, Allah be praised, you caught me!” said Khatami, patting himself down. “I’ve been hiding nuclear armaments for years, right here on my robe. Wait—nope, nope. Those are just my cigarettes. Well, shit. Maybe I left them in my garage, next to the car I don’t have either. But I will be checking this out right away, Mr. U.S. President, who completely and surely has jurisdiction to root through the couch cushions of my country looking for things.”
It was a far different tact than Saddam Hussein in 2003, when President Bush then ordered the Iraqi leader to disarm, and Hussein replied, “Make me.”
Bush immediately went on the offensive then, informing the Iraqi president he didn’t make monkeys, only trained them. The U.S. president further warned, “If a clash is necessary between our two armies, there will be two hits—ours hitting yours, then yours hitting the ground. Understand?”
As of press time, the White House has yet to respond to Iran’s taunts, though Press Secretary Scott McClellan said the administration would wait for the Iranian president’s rally to stop, then would “burn” them with a clever retort like you wouldn’t believe. The rally, begun Friday, has lasted for three days without clear sign of finishing, as the anti-American mob urges Khatami to continue his unstoppable assault of wit.
“If it helps, Mr. President, I’m sure your penis is quite massive,” Khatami continued on Saturday, cheered on by hoots and hollers of the crowd. “You are welcome to invade Iran, if it pleases you, but I am sure your penis can get no bigger than it currently is. You are indeed a man, as you have proven with all the threats and multiple country invasions and everything. I’m sure Allah smiles down on you, and will in no way send you to hell to smoke your ass for eternity once you are dead. Forget about all death warrants on your dad and yourself—I’m sure everything is all better now. If I see you in the street, in front of my non-existent car, I am sure to brake so I don’t hit you and splatter your devil’s guts all over the road.”
In spite of a response not yet coming from the White House, inside sources predict Bush may yield the floor to Vice President Dick Cheney to reply with one of his devastating “Your momma so fat” comebacks.