Friendly nods to everyone. We’re officially in movie drought territory at the box office, as we finish watching the underwhelming Oscar nominees and wait for the true summer blockbuster trash to blow in once again. DVDs offer our best hope for entertaining movie fare in the meantime—if hope is the experience of being continually and irrevocably disappointed in the world. Then gear up, for we’ve got a barrelful.

The Motorcycle Diaries
In a novel concept for a biography film, a fascinating subject is covered in the least fascinating moments of his life. From the people who brainstormed a movie about Einstein taking a dump, no doubt. Can a movie about one of the most engaging leftist revolutionaries be washed out and political neutered? Watch and see. It’s like Catcher in the Rye set in South America, removing all the sincerity and edge. Loads and loads of Latinos stars.

Saw
Seen it. While some horror movies rely on not showing you the really scary parts, letting your own psyche construct it, Saw sees that approach as lazy. Here you get all the guts, the entrails, the spit, slobber, bile, and slow-motion bloodletting. And worst of all, Cary Elwes acting, which is classified as cruel and unusual punishment in most western countries. I understand at last the very real pain Alex went through in A Clockwork Orange when they strapped him in, propped open his eyes, and made him watch a movie. Still, lucky for him, it wasn’t this one.

I Heart Huckabees
You know an existential, deeply-philosophical movie is in trouble when they cast Jude Law. Perhaps they wanted to cast Leonardo DiCaprio, but worried he would come off as too intellectual for most audiences. David O. Russell again spanks the monkey with this masturbatory, meandering movie that tries in vain to make celebrities almost appear like normal people. Fortunately Russell didn’t bother making films about other things he hearts, like his dog, New York, or his own superiority over every living thing.

Speaking of superiority, we leave once again with myself the winner. Then again, I did have to sit through all these movies… that can’t speak well of me. However, I didn’t pay to see them. I’m at least in the top 50th percentile of the nation’s best and brightest. We’ll call it a draw, Hollywood.