Have you listened to the radio lately? I’ll bet you haven’t. Modern statistics show most people stopped listening to the radio circa 1981, when video killed its star. I can hardly blame you. I listened to the radio a couple of weeks ago and was shocked by how bored I was. Apparently they are paying A&R companies and publishing firms by the song, since I only heard two or three during the course of the entire hour. And they weren’t worth listening to, I’ll tell you that. I’m not sure who Five for Fighting is, but if they play another song like the one I heard, good people, I’ll take on all five of them.

It was a quite fortuitous day, since not long after I heard that radio ga-ga, my impending-wife (“girlfriend” is such a childish word) Ginger Baker asked me to hide some of her not-strictly-legal funds in my own private bank account. I’m always quick to step up when my impending-wife needs something, especially if it involves taking money off her hands. But then I thought: Whatever happened to the man who played Hop Sing on “Bonanza”? I’m not sure why I even mention that, I never found out and it has nothing to do with what I’m speculating on. My next thought, however, was that I should put Ginger’s money to work for her—money just sitting around in a bank is about as prosperous as Oprah’s man, Steadman.

This is why I bought an A.M. radio station. At last I can drive somewhere and listen to the radio again, always confident that there will be something on the airwaves I want to listen to. Be it Up With People, Perry Como, or the Andrews Sisters, music across the ages, anything from any era with the only criteria that it’s good, good, good—all Rok approved. Turn your block to Rok. Been a while since you heard “April Love,” and you could really use it? It might be the middle of the night, and you desperately need to hear the Carpenters’ “Top of the World”? I ask no questions. I’m only here to play you the music I want you to hear.

I’m also all for playing the newest artists I can find, assuming I like them. I’ve already played some soon-to-be hits by unsigned acts like Nina Santa-Maria, Cowboy Donnie Hirschfeld, and a promising young band called Jimmy Jeffers and the Fagtones. You like rap? Me neither. But you will, once you’ve heard some profanity-free rap by my good friend MC Vic Daniels and his DJ John Waterhouse. Anyone who can rhyme “lovin’ fool” and “steno pool” is alright in my book.

Just to let you know, running a radio station hasn’t been trouble-free for me. To my surprise, Ginger wasn’t happy I decided what to do with her money. I tried reminding her I’m a man, but that only made her that much angrier. She is not quite as traditional as I am—but I accept her, flaws and all. We’ll get over this hump, and get to the hump I prefer, before too long. In the meantime, I’ve got to find a way to make my A.M. radio station show a profit or she’s going to close it down herself.

I remembered this problem sounded sort of familiar, then I recalled I’m in danger of losing my job because of low ratings, since they’re trying to make the commune more profitable. I imagine Red Bagel should be able to help me turn my radio station around. I’m all for any changes he wants to make, except for the format, the songs I play, and my strict “no commercials” rule.