Despite the protests of investors who fear for their own financial safety, Federal authorities tagged and released Housewifing guru Martha Stewart into the wild last Friday, returning the mogul to her natural environment in hopes of learning from her behavior outside captivity.
Federal marshals were on high alert this weekend as the news broke that the TV personality and famously nice lady had been released. Early reports that Stewart had escaped from her West Virginia prison, bribing her captors with microwave caramel apples and slipping out through a shit drain in the fashionably late hours Thursday night, later proved to be erroneous. Stewart, thought to be either foraging in the wild or sitting with her feet up in her Bedford, New York home, eating lightly salted edamane soy beans, is considered fashionably dressed and not particularly dangerous.
“Aaagh!” screamed part-time stock investor Harold Oldman, perhaps overreacting to the news. “We’re all going to die!”
Recent retiree and investment dabbler Maya Coolidge expressed a similar sentiment from a crack between the several wooden pallets she had stacked in front of her front door for protection. “I don’t feel safe in my own home!” shouted Coolidge through the muffle of plywood. Either that or “Adam feet saving moan hole!” which this reporter preferred, but the copy desk found less likely.
Coolidge might also have yelled “Radon eels chafe gin eyes! Phone Rome!” or “Idle fleece have fins, mayo gnome!” regardless of what those commune knobs, who weren’t even there, have to say about it.
Many loudmouthed observers believe that Stewart served too short a prison sentence for doing some kind of naughty stocky thing that few understand. But wildlife experts disagree, citing the scientific benefits of West Virginia’s “catch and release” program.
“We’re not learning anything from Martha being in prison,” explained science redneck Tick Douglas. “Except that she doesn’t like Jell-o, but will eat it if force-fed by giant lesbians. But in the wild, in her natural habitat…” Douglas’ eyes glazed over in a drifting, far-away stare. “Humanity could benefit forever from what we learn.”
Snippy observers have christened Stewart’s new earlobe tracking tag “tack-zilla, girlfriend” but Stewart herself has been silent about the seemingly-undignified accessory. Many believe this is because Stewart plans to start a new fashion craze by selling knock-off ear tags as part of her Martha Stewart Everyday line available at K-Mart stores, and the elementary schools that were until a few months ago K-Mart stores, nationwide.