I’m shocked into a rare non-sweating state by the wealth of first-run movies hitting DVD shelves in the next two weeks. So as much as I’d rather banter to fill dreadful column inches, I’m afraid I have actual reviews to get to this week. Lucky me… at least until you see the films.

Closer
An amazing achievement in film, for everyone who wanted to see Natalie Portman’s breasts. Trust me, we’re a larger group than you may ever know. I was heartbroken to find out all her really raunchy scenes were cut upon her request—alas, it was never meant to be. But I have other videos where, if you squint just right, you’ll swear the girl with the lesbian and the black guy looks just like her. Anyway, the movie—it wallows in depravity the way only an aging Hollywood director can. Julia Roberts is not quite convincing as someone who’s not Julia Roberts, and Jude Law marks off another one in his contract with Lucifer. Capsulated review: “Pretty people doing bad things.”

Elektra
Talk about pretty people doing bad things. Elektra is maybe a third as good as Daredevil, and if you’ve seen Daredevil, it’s twice as bad as you were hoping. That makes for some really nauseating mathematics here. Further proof you should always write your movies before filming them, people. Jennifer Garner, adorable little fledgling superstar that she is, takes her “Alias” TV show to the big screen, although that wasn’t really the intention. She was more original in 13 Going on 30, where she ripped off Big, and she was better utilized in Dude, Where’s My Car? where her breasts inflated and she had few lines. I like her enough to hang a poster on my dorm wall if I were 19, but making me sit through nearly two hours of this crap is asking too much.

Spanglish
Despite Hollywood’s insistence, I must respectfully disagree with them that this movie was actually released. True, I’ve seen it—on a pirated download DVD—but I have never seen a theater really advertising it. Oh, well, they’re in denial. At first you might think this is another crappy Adam Sandler movie—not so! It’s a crappy Jim Brooks movie. After making Jack Nicholson almost sympathetic in As Good as it Gets, TV God Brooks decided he’d try something really impossible—make a movie with Adam Sandler where we didn’t want him dead. Nice try, Jim, but everybody’s got their limitations.

Sideways
One of the big Oscar nominees of the year is, in truth, a pretty dull little trip through wine country. I applaud them for trying make a movie without explosions, but they could have put in explosive something—dialogue, characters, anything. Paul Giamatti is a desperate, meek fellow trying to do anything to make his life not so desperately meek—see virtually every other role Paul Giamatti has ever played. He’s just shy enough of being Hollywood handsome that he’s the actor Tinsel Town casts when they want to show how little they think of normal people. Thomas Haden Church is quite excellent as every guy’s best friend in a film ever. Is it possible, in Hollywood dreamland, for two men to know each other and not have one be a Marlon Brando On the Waterfront screw-up?

That’s a trip to bountiful for you. Thanks for indulging my cinematic irritation again this week. Oh, and if someone knocks on your door and asks, “Guess Who?” don’t open it. Trust me, it’s Ashton Kutcher.