Confound it all! And then find it again and further confound it!

That damned Stigmata Spent was caught in a lie, ruining my chances of uncovering the Biggest Conspiracy in the World (hereby called BCW). Her insistent use of words like “sweetie” and “honey-doll” unraveled all my work pretending to be a secret shadowy former CIA agent, only an estimated 5% of which call everybody “sweetie.” Or maybe her being a 6’2” black transvestite stood out as a noticeable change from when I wore the fake beard.

It matters not. The result is two-fold disaster: My previous cover is blown, leaving me out of the loop once more, and possibly worse, they’ve tightened the circle in their little conspiracy so I’m less likely than ever to get in. Nuts! I knew my luck would run out. I finally stumble upon the biggest earth-shaking cover-up ever, right in the early stages, and lose it all trying to win big at my annual secret-circle poker game. The irony is palpable.

But when I fall off the horse, I beat the horse to death, like they say. I don’t give up. So I’ve already started putting together my newest disguise, and have even road-tested a few of them just to make sure.

One thing is sure: drag is out. Stigmata Spent might be able to play a convincing man, but it’s probably due to the fact she was born one. I, on the other hand, make a less than convincing woman. In fact, children on the street point me out as “the fat man wearing a dress.” Which is totally unfair, because though my weight may fluctuate, I’m hardly fat. I even shaved my beard and it didn’t work, although my 5 o’clock shadow has already grown in by the time I hit the streets. Who knows, it doesn’t have to be an entirely physical problem, it could just be my terrible sense for women’s fashion.

Who wants to be a woman anyway? Besides women, of course, no cheap shot at you ladies. But I have a barrel full of disguises. A literal barrel, and they’re starting to smell like pickles, since that’s what I used to keep in the barrels. I can always explain away a pickle smell, however, so that’s the least of my problems.

My ideal disguise would be something stylish and cool, a character that leaves the conspiracists in such awe of me they don’t even ask me my name. My first choice is international Swedish jewel thief Borge Nills Wafer. ‘Cause who better to add to the BCW than the world’s foremost jewel thief? Of course, they may already have the world’s foremost jewel thief, and then we’d have to have a major thievery contest to establish which of us is the superior thief, but that’s pretty outlandish. Still, I have to plan on every contingency, I have to make my newest character infallible to their suspicions. My star-spangled jewel thief costume might not pass muster. In fact, the whole jewel thief thing may go out the window, since I’m basically a clumsy heavyset man who’s never stolen anything worth taking.

I’m still working this all out on paper, as you can see.

I’ve got play to my strengths. I’m well-fed, spoiled, stinking rich, and obstinate in getting anything I want. Texas oil magnate seems a natural disguise, just off the top of my head. Hey! I could even go by the nickname “Tex.” And conspiracists love Texas, just ask anyone in Deely Plaza in 1963.

I think it just might work. Assuming, of course, no one reading this column tips the insiders to my intentions. So let’s all keep quiet out there, okay? Not only for the sake of my fun, but for the future of mankind as well.