Dyslexia rereffus Mark Dingus-Smith held the world in awe this week after news broke that the central Indiana resident, no shit, talks to God on a regular basis. Thankful that the nation’s latest God-talker is neither a Republican politician nor a New Age fruit, pious Americans have swarmed from miles around to gawk at the modest man’s Indiana home, many hoping to eavesdrop on these heavenly conversations and catch a hint of what God really thinks about gays, contraception, and the red-hot topic of gay contraception.

Many were intrigued to find this simple man on a first name basis with the universal creator, with trivia buffs particularly interested in the discovery that, according to Mark, God’s first name is Rufus.

“Who’s a good boy? Rufus is a good boy! Rufus is the best boy in the whole wide world, isn’t he?” gushed Dingus-Smith, offering encouragement to the singular deity, who surely must find his awesome responsibilities dispiriting at times. “Yes he is! Rufus is such a good boy!”

According to local news reports, neighbors discovered Dingus-Smith’s gift after overhearing several one-sided conversations emanating from the house where Dingus-Smith lives alone with his dog, and asking the lifetime dyslexia sufferer just who he was talking to. Though unaccustomed to the national attention, Mark was already locally famous for unintentionally starting a minor Martian-invasion scare in the region last year after claiming in a bar that the nation’s breast implants were full of aliens. After the shooting stopped, it was discovered that Dingus-Smith actually meant “saline.”

Although the affliction of dyslexia is most often associated with difficulties in reading caused by the mental transposition of letters, in some extreme cases it can lead to the confusion of entire concepts. The most famous recent example of such being U.S. president George Bush’s mistaken belief that Iraq had acquired WMD’s, when in actuality the rogue Middle Eastern nation had just opened their first Wendy’s.

According to Dr. Nikolai Balsvet of the McClurg Institute, dyslexia effects over 20 million Americans, though to those afflicted it only seems like 0.2 million, adding to their sense of isolation.

Some of the religious pilgrims who have made the trek to central Indiana and spent weeks camped out on Dingus-Smith’s lawn have been disappointed with meeting Dingus-Smith and observing his decidedly laid back God-talking routine, which often involves playing with this dog and drinking Coors Light. Many untrue believers decried the entire story as “bullshit,” peeling out in their RVs and pausing only long enough to throw trash on Dingus-Smith’s lawn.

Others were upset that Dingus-Smith was taking his time working hot-button political issues into his dialogue with the eternal source of all life.

“I’m still pissed Mark hasn’t asked God about gay contraception,” groused lawn-camper Colman Slank of Nebraska. “He’s always too busy playing with that goddamned dog of his. But this is one issue that really gets my goat. It’s like the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup of moral outrage, that one. ‘You got sinful perversion of man’s natural sexuality in my blasphemous triumph of modern technology over God’s natural plan!’ ‘Oh yeah, well you got blasphemous triumph of modern technology over God’s natural plan in my sinful perversion of man’s natural sexuality!’”

“You remember that commercial, right?” followed-up an uncertain Slank.