In the interest of complete honesty, I’ll tell you there are hardly any DVDs of first-release movies coming out in the near future. Blame the big distraction that is the summer blockbuster season. But the good news is, there’s always TV. I thought I’d take this desperate need to fill column inches as an opportunity to review some of the much-loved TV-on-DVD box sets that have new releases coming out soon. And we’ll see they don’t call it the small screen for nothing.

The Sopranos
A few years ago this show was the Jenna Elfman of television shows, before C.S.I. started showing us how cool it is when bullets shatter skulls, and before Six Feet Under made death fun again. Big stereotype Tony Soprano gets all touchy-feely with his therapist for two minutes, then spends the next 58 minutes murdering close friends and family—the real appeal of the show. A year or two ago, we might have cared this show is heading into its final season, before salary negotiations and shooting delays made us ask, “Tony Who?” Better than Law & Order, but so is getting a testicle forcibly removed.

The Dead Zone
Even though Anthony Michael Hall stars, the title does not refer to his career during the 1990s. A man comes out of a coma and realizes he can advance plots forward by touching certain items and seeing glimpses of the past, future, or whatever best serves the needs of the writer at the moment. It must be hell on laundry days when he touches someone else’s underwear and gets haunting flashes of bladder-related disasters. Or on physical day, he can see exactly how his doctor is going to spend his money. Not too terribly awful, but don’t take that as a compliment to the show. At least it’s one of the few sci-fi shows where fans can dress as their favorite characters and still walk around unpersecuted in public.

Wonder Woman
The 1970s answer to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. A crime-fighting Amazon (Lynda Carter) borrows a costume from a drag queen friend, puts on some fetish braces, and fights drugged-up kids and dumb henchmen with guns every week. Not quite sure why the costume helps so much. She also has an invisible jet, which looks a lot like a deck chair that can fly. From the people who brought you Superman and Batman, they really stopped trying after that.

King of Queens
A big dumpy guy (Kevin James) occupies a primo timeslot either before or after Everybody Loves Raymond, a space during which he makes several jokes about his weight, his low-paying service job, or his ingratiating family. Given the number of obese Americans is growing every year, you’d think this would be a breakout hit, but apparently those same Americans are eager to dispel the theory they’ll watch absolutely anything if it’s playing on the TV. Thank goodness they are releasing these full season sets quickly so all of us fans can catch up on the intricate storylines of the dumpy guy trying to get a raise at work and not really succeeding. I believe the cast and crew commentary on each episode consists of everyone agreeing, “Wow, I can’t believe how insanely lucky we are.”

Suddenly the summer blockbusters don’t look so bad. Well… okay, Mr. and Mrs. Smith is going to be pretty moronic. But if you have to watch something awful, I say stay home. At least don’t go through the trouble of leaving your house to have your intelligence insulted.