lastissue='2005/0530/';
lastissuehead='America to Close Domestic Military Bases, Open Foreign';
lastissueimage='military';
thisissue='Monday, June 6, 2005';
nextissue='June 13th, 2005';
rate1='Tanks: Why Can’t We Drive ‘Em?';
score1='79,412';
rlink1='polio';
rate2='Apples: The Silent Killer';
score2='11,262';
rlink2='police';
rate3='Suck It: the commune’s Vacuum Cleaner Reviews';
score3='9,101';
rlink3='ted';
rate4='Uncle Macho’s Boat Fire Gumbo';
score4='51.2';
rlink4='finger';
rate5='Critic’s Corner: How You Personally Ruined Western Culture';
score5='1';
rlink5='abernathie';
nation='Teen still missing in Aruba, Jamaica, oh-woo I wanna take ya';
world='Lebanese candidate runs as “different kind of Islamic fanatic”';
beezwax='World’s best airline: Cathay Pacific; world’s worst: Hindenberg Airways';
techno='Amazing new Atlas shoulders even more of this burden called Earth';
overheard='Cruise, Holmes totally in love with each other’s media exposure';
quote='If you love someone, set them free. If they do not return, then you were stupid for following my advice.';
quotename='Bachard Richman';
cookie='Don’t blame anyone else for your own problems, blame EVERYONE else. Try a new deodorant this week, your friends agree the theoretical kind hasn’t been cutting it. You will meet a small armadillo that will teach you arithmetic, but few will buy that story at the trial. This week’s lucky karate moves: The Iron Ostrich, Yun-Wi’s Forceful Throat Massage, Western Ballsack Slap, and The Forbidden Tongue Stomp of Zi-Zi Tohp.';
toptitle='Worst-Selling Meat Alternatives';
top1='M-Eat Brand Fungal Rot Cakes';
top2='FEET!®';
top3='Uncle Macho’s Vegan Roadkill';
top4='<i>Henson’s Best</i> Muppet Meat Steaks';
top5='Wiccan Nuggets';
etcdivider='300';
story1name='throat';
story1head='Real <i>Deep Throat</i> Not<br />as Sexy as Movie';
story1blurb='America’s nuts were chapped a bright red this week with news that former FBI second-in-command W. Mark Felt, 91, had come out of hiding to end a 30-year mystery, announcing that he was <i>Deep Throat</i>, star of the semenal porn film that took the country by storm in 1972.';
story1credit='Ramon Nootles';
story2name='whitehouse';
story2head='White House Accidentally Misdirects Attention <br />Back to Real Problem';
story2blurb='The White House faced embarrassment this week when their usual method of distracting the population with lesser problems backfired, leading them to unintentionally misdirect public attention back to the original problem. While the administration hoped to draw notice from earlier remarks misdirecting national awareness to the slave trade.';
story3name='spelling';
story3head='13-Year-Old Goes First in National Spelling Draft';
story3blurb='The world of professional spelling garnered national attention this week, as well as controversy, when under-age spelling wunderkind Anurag Kashyap went first in the National Spelling League draft to the Anaheim Syllables. Kashyap is the youngest wordsmith to ever skip college and high school to go straight to the pros.<br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Pro spelling has had to face criticism from those who claim the major leagues have gone after younger and younger...';
newsdivider='500';
col1='bagel';
col1title='The Siege of Paris';
col1blurb='I can understand her wanting to settle down, though. Her movie career is finally starting to take off, what with that Carl Jr.’s commercial getting her such fantastic acting notice. She’s apparently broken ties once and for all with that troublemaker Nicole Richie, and it’s about time.';
col2='dreck';
col2title='Buddha Who?';
col2blurb='The young Buddha spent his childhood like any other boy, trying to kill small birds, but because of his wealth he was able to forsake throwing rocks and just paid the birds to fly into the rocks themselves. After seven or eight years he tired of this and turned his attention to spiritual matters. Ten minutes later, he discovered girls, and it is best to gloss over the next several years in the Buddha’s biography.';
col3='vanslyke';
col3title='Health Food is<br />Full of Shit';
col3blurb='If God didn’t want us to eat chickens, why did he make them run so slow? And cows? What in the world else are you supposed to do with a cow? They sure as hell can’t catch a Frisbee. If we didn’t eat cows, getting anywhere would be impossible, since there would always be a big, stupid cow standing in the way.';
col3name='';
col4='hartwig';
col4title='Parade';
col4blurb='It took quite a bit of strength to hoist those balloons everywhere and not get lifted away into space. There weren’t as many people back then, we knew how to control ourselves, sexually speaking, so only one person to a balloon we had. A hoister, which is what we called fellows who did the hoisting, had to secure themselves firmly to the earth with two pockets packed full of lead sinkers.';
col4name='';
fea1='police';
fea1blurb='&#186; <b>TV on DVD</b><br />';
fea2='poet';
fea2title='Phil Spector’s Hair';
fea2blurb='Rising high like a psychedelic mushroom cloud / so loud without a sound / Holy Jesus, did you see Phil Spector’s hair?';
fea2name='spector';