American contractors detained in Iraq by U.S. troops have returned the States, and are anxious to deliver a message to concerned parents: Avoid sending your kids to Iraq’s Camp Falluja this summer.

The warning follows the release of 16 American and 3 Iraqi contractors who were detained in the “happiest place in Iraq” for 72 hours, without seeing a lawyer, natch, while they were suspected of being terroristic mercenaries or yet another of the many gun-toting nutjobs just wandering around Iraq looking for love in the wrong places. During their detention, as part of the “Camp Falluja Fun-Powerment Program,” the detainees claim they were verbally and physically abused by American troops, suffering the most severe damage to their self-esteem.

Says one of the detainees, ex-Marine Matt Raiche and team leader of Fun-Powerment Team Blue: “I was in disbelief the whole time. I couldn’t believe what was happening.”

No doubt much of the shock came from the way Camp Falluja, “the America away from America,” has been presented in the media in recent months, as part of the administration’s attempt to off-set negative publicity in Iraq. Designed as a self-esteem building two-month sleep-away vacation for American youths, as well as a detention center for suspected Iraqi terrorists, Camp Falluja has been sold to the public as the most hate-free area in the newly democratic country. True proof that democracy can work in the country, and American children can benefit from new experiences in a foreign land, Camp Falluja allows daring young adventurers, as well as dangerous terror suspects, to inter-mix freely on Iraqi soil and participate in trust-building empowerment exercises and healthy physical activity, as well as offering overweight teens a chance to learn discipline with their eating.

“I went to Camp Falluja!” exclaims a husky 12-year-old, holding up a Polaroid of his formerly corpulent self in the now-famous commercial. “No more ‘fatty pants’ for Charlie!”

What the commercial may have left out is images of Fatty-Pants Charlie being hurled to the ground violently, bound so tight he loses circulation in his hands, insulted and demeaned by American soldiers, stripped naked, and threatened with bodily harm by the release of a vicious hound dog on his persons. These make up the majority of the accusations by the detained Zapata-employed contractors, and while this thing is expected and even encouraged for Iraqi detainees, doing it to Americans is just playing unfair.

“I sent my son Phil away to Camp Falluja just for a week,” said Hazel, Connecticut hausfrau Nina Brown. “He just came back Friday and it’s obvious he’s been traumatized. He freezes up and goes catatonic whenever I shoot my guns off in the backyard, and he’s terrorized whenever he’s strip-searched now. He didn’t come back more confident and educated about Iraqi culture at all.

“Needless to say,” continued Brown, “I expect a full refund.”

In the wake of the accusations, some have questioned whether the very idea of Camp Falluja was a good idea—placing a large number of suspected Saddam Hussein loyalists together with underage American boys and the occasional U.S. contractor—let alone the execution. An inside source at the White House, though, whom we call Dickie, doubted any long-term changes would be made in the wake of bad press.

“Are you kidding? They’re already working on the exercise equipment for the next big opening, at Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo.” Concluded Dickie, “Some here are arguing the U.S. should take this opportunity to re-evaluate how its soldiers are trained to keep detainees, maybe the very cultural differences that exist between our two great societies. But more than likely they’ll just redesign the T-shirts and add more fun runs.”