I have really done it now. And “it” is not a good thing in this case.

Exhibiting an unusual lack of foresight, I signed away the rights to my and Rascal’s likenesses to television producers from way out west in Hollywood. Knowing Hollywood as I do, I expected some sort of daring and intellectual, if fictional, account of our conspiracy-cracking and maybe, just maybe, a few life lessons worked in between our hardline journalistic efforts. Well, needless to say, by my outraged introduction, I got nothing of the sort!

What I got, sir, was nothing but a moronic cartoon, called at this juncture, The Adventures of Red & Rascal. I was mortified. I had to look up what it meant just to be sure, and indeed I was.

Being a cartoon is bad enough, but you haven’t heard the worst of it. Apparently in this show, if you can call it that, we are portrayed as quite the buffoons. Like a couple of ninnys, Rascal and I, the cartoon versions, traipse around wildly looking for Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster, carrying high-powered laser weapons made to subdue either of them, should we catch them. All of which is just plain ludicrous, since current laser technology is insufficient to detain Bigfoot, of course, and if you’re going to try to kill him, you’d better have more than a net and a little laser gun, I’ll tell you that. Not to mention the show grievously overlooks all the Loch Ness Monster’s charity work and simply paints her as a heartless beast. But we’re forgetting the larger point, which is this thing makes me look dumb.

I checked with my lawyer, Whistles Goldman, and found out I have absolutely no recourse, since I didn’t verify in my contract I wanted complete control of the project. I figured, in my defense, that they knew I was Red Bagel and would want nothing less. But apparently “should’ve expected it” doesn’t count for anything in contract law.

I’ve spent years building up my reputation and now it all has to end like this. What kind of fear am I going to instill in the puppetmasters who lurk in the shadows if every Saturday morning I’m seen falling hundreds of miles into a chasm and crashing in a puff of smoke? For one thing, they’ll have unrealistic expectations on how to kill me, which might not work in my benefit like you’d think. The Red Bagel they all knew beforehand was a clever and cunning adversary, not some disproportionately fat and angular idiot who shouts “Fiddlesticks!” when he’s confounded. I shout “Fuck!” and anyone who knows me can tell you that.

I did get a percentage of the merchandising rights in all this, which are worth an estimated $24 million, but what does that mean to me? I’ve already got so much money I give boxes of it to staff members in lieu of actual birthday gifts. If that doesn’t tell you how meaningless it all is to me, I don’t know what will. No, the money is nothing to me. My reputation—that’s stainless steel, and before now, positively uncorruptible. Not to mention it’s going to make Rascal look bad, too, and I will stand for that only slightly more than the damage done to me.

Rascal is a loyal and fearless manservant, always has been since whenever I hired him. Seems like years ago, but the pay stubs don’t back that up. Rascal would follow me into the gates of Hell, me safely behind by at least 30 feet, and would only come out when I okayed it. That’s how dedicated he is to my service. It breaks what you might call my heart to see him maligned in such a fashion.

Still, I have to admit, that Australian accent they gave him is both dead-on and hilarious. They really did their homework, these Hollywood slimeballs.