Thank your lucky stars you’re alive to witness another episode of Reflections of a Goocher, with your host, Stu “the Dew” Umbrage. The part of Stu will be played this week by Lil’ Abner.

SU: Thanks for joining us, folks. Those of you were not eaten by dinosaurs while waiting in line will be happy to know that I’ve got a whole new line-up of dinosaur jokes tonight. So, let’s waste no time getting to the funny. What did the dinosaur say to the Reflections of a Goocher fan right before it ate him?

AUDIENCE: WE COULDN’T MAKE IT OUT THROUGH ALL THE SCREAMING!

SU: Very good! You guys are one step ahead of me yet again, I’m going to have to either fire my audience or hire smarter writers. Funny, funny stuff people. So, anyway, you ever pull a jar of something out of your refrigerator, only to be stunned by how old the expiration date is? I saw one at my house the other day that said “PALEOLITHIC ERA”! I’m going to have to buy some more Worchester sauce!

AUDIENCE: AH! RUN! FUCK ME!! (indistinguishable guttural noises, roaring)

SU: You people are a great audience, did I ever tell you that? Those of you who are left are just awesome. Moving right along, what time is it when a triceratops sits on your fence?

AUDIENCE: FOUR O’CLOCK!

SU: That fucker sat on my fence again? What, he can’t read the sign? Where’s my gun?

AUDIENCE: (gunshots, dying)

SU: I swear, you people. I know I say this every night, but you guys really are the best audience ever. What’s that folks? There’s an invisible dinosaur waiting for me in my dressing room? Tell him I can’t see him! Ha! Oh God, I’ve got to write that down. Hey, where are you two going? We can’t finish the show without an audience.

AUDIENCE: PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HIDE US! THEY’RE COMING!

SU: Hide you? Then who are the cameras going to cut to for reaction shots after the big punchlines? What’s that? The cameramen are dead? That reminds me of a great joke: What’s the name of the dinosaur that’s hunting you down right now? Doyathinkysaurus? Ha ha!

AUDIENCE: (digestive noises)

SU: Well, I’m afraid that’s about all the time we have this week on Reflections of a Goocher. Be sure to join us next time when we’ll have a fresh new audience that’s a lot more fun than this last bunch, and maybe by then the exterminator will finally get his ass over here to spray for these berserk, blood-hungry carnivores. Until then, I’m Stu Umbrage and you’re a homo.

If God Had a Lawn, It Would Be Nice Like This
During the first phase of my quest to find the worst animated show of the 1980’s, the period I like to call my “Gettin’ Paid For It” phase, I was working from the misconception that there couldn’t possibly have been a worse show than Beverly Hills Teens, which debuted in 1987 sucked a hole in your TV for an entire season, teaching kids the valuable lesson that being rich is fun.

Flies Without a Face
And now we’re ready for our next contestant here on Reflections of a Goocher, Ms Myra Drizzle from Upper Carpathia. How are you today, Ms—Jesus, she bit my arm! Somebody get this crazy bitch off me!

Barf Like You Mean It
God, I hope that clock isn’t fast. And I hope a guy in a big fiberglass Droopy Dog suit gets elected president and his inaugural speech consists of grabbing the microphone in both oversized paws and shouting “LET’S GET LOOOOOADED!!” We’ve all got to hope.

I Was Born to Love This Song
If I could save time in a bottle, I’d probably forget to poke holes in the lid and it would end up dying, its lifeless corpse lying there, feet up, staring accusatorily for weeks until I remembered that oh yeah, I saved time in a bottle, and went to check on how it was doing. That’s probably why you can’t do it.