Special Edition: Cruise Control!


The Legend of Bagger Vance
Tom Cruise and Adam Curry star in this inspiring tale of the grocery store bagger who rose above his humble aisle-mopping beginnings to dethrone his nemesis as the quickest bread-loaf masher in three counties. The rumor mill has it that Cruise really became a meth fiend to add authenticity to Vance's pre-shift crank sessions in the front seat of his Camaro.

Minority Depot
Bad as it was, NBC’s liberal-pleasing sitcom at least served a purpose when it was on TV. With a cast representing every racial group on the planet, plus one ignorant, backwoods, racist, sexist and certifiably ugly white dude, the show at least managed to clam up the social critics who argue that there aren’t enough Korean weightlifting champion women on network sitcoms. But there is such a thing as throwing a dog too many bones, as will be evidenced when this turkey sucks its way over to the silver screen this summer. And a note to the Hollywood bigwigs in charge of this one: if you think you can pass off Tom Cruise as ugly, you’ve obviously never been to Pennsylvania.

The Last Samurai Show
The cruelly good-looking secret brother of commune toilet brush Alamo Cruise, embarrassing cult religion enthusiast Tom Cruise is back and John Belushing up a storm as usual in this gaijin comedy epic. Cruise’s main squeeze Penelope “She’s Not My Sister (wink, wink)” Cruise is strangely absent from the film, though whether this can be attributed to a lover’s spat or the fact that there were no Mexican people in Japan in the 1800’s is hard to say. Personally, I think they could have Jackie Chaned her into the script somehow, so look out for tabloid news of Cruise dropping a bombshell on his sisterly bombshell in the near future, mark my hypertexted words.

War of the World’s Worst Dressers
Tom Cruise fires his fashion consultant and starts dressing the way he wanna in this frightening futuristic tale from horrormeister Steven Spielberg. Let’s just say they don’t have a fashion week at Scientology Camp for a reason, kids, and Cruise is terrifyingly plausible in polyester and rodeo-clown fleece. But Tom runs into some serious competition when Boy George and Dennis Rodman show up with the CGI reanimation of Rodney Dangerfield, out to claim his crown as the world’s most nakedly tacky. This is the movie Mr Blackwell sees when he has nightmares. Well, this and 9 to 5.

Back with more on-the-spot McShyster reviews next edition!