You know what pisses me off? These ads you see on TV for some starving children’s charity in Oswego or some place, where they say that $2.90 a day can buy you a coffee, donut and a newspaper, or you can feed an entire family in Oswego. To which I say, well yeah, but what about my donut? That shit is delicious. If I feed a family in Oswego, are they then going to turn around and mail me a donut? And how long does that shit take? I’m hungry now dammit, getting a donut from FedEx in the middle of a steak dinner I’m eating next week isn’t going to do me a whole hell of a lot of good. These charity boneheads have really failed to think through the details.

And what in the hell are they feeding those Oswegans for $2.90? McDonald’s? Thanks, but the U.S. doesn’t need any more foreigners pissed off at us like that. Even if we’re feeding them Ramen noodles, that’s still pretty rough. You can only make it for about three days on that stuff before you start dropping ass like a Play-Doh Crazy Spaghetti Factory.

Now if you tell me they’re eating something good for that $2.90, then you’ve got my attention. I want a slice of that action. I haven’t done the math recently, but I’m pretty sure I spend way more than $2.90 a day on food. And I don’t even have any kids, or a wife siphoning off $2 of my per diem so she can buy some of that organic beeswax lip balm. You ever try eating on 90 cents a day? Well big spender, I hope you like Juicy Fruit.

I even called one of these places and told them I’d sponsor some poor motherfuckers out there in the Congo if they’d give me the hook-up on some of this cheap grub. I figured, if I’m getting 30 cent steak dinners and lobster bisque for 99 cents, I can afford to carry some freeloading Ethiopians as part of my overhead. What the hell, I’ve never been a selfish guy. Get on the Mitch Kroeger gravy train, you skinny fuckers.

You know what they said to me? Nothing. I mean they hung up like I had just propositioned them for phone sex. Wake up, charity assholes, that was like two weeks ago! Now I’m calling with a business proposition. No wonder you guys are on TV begging for handouts, you don’t have any idea how to run a business.

My solution? Well, for one thing, I’m not one of these conservative assholes who’s going to look a starving Ethiopian in the eye and tell him to go get a job and buy his own food. That’s bullshit: jobs suck a nut. I would, however, suggest that maybe he should grow a pair and go kill himself a lion. Lions are good eatin’, for one thing, and last time I checked they’re pretty huge. Kill one of those things and you’re going to be ass-deep in lion steaks for the foreseeable future. You might even be able to sell some of the less desirable cuts to your fellow villagers or trade the gonads or the gizzard for some A1 sauce and baked potatoes, to make a real meal of it.

Now don’t get started on me about how some skinny Ethiopian dude, tired from weeks of not eating, is supposed to kill a big scary-ass lion. For one thing, if he’s really that skinny, the lion doesn’t pose any real threat since he can just slip between its teeth like dental floss. But even if he’s not down to Kate Moss starvation levels quite yet, it’s not like we’re living in 400 B.C. here. Lions may be big and mean, but they still get run over by a Jeep just like anything else. And I know that not every starving Ethiopian villager owns his own Jeep, I’m not stupid. But that doesn’t mean he can’t borrow one. He wouldn’t even need it that long, maybe thirty seconds or so. And what kind of asshole wouldn’t lend a starving Ethiopian his car for thirty seconds? You should be ashamed of yourself, bud.