Israeli Prime Minister Ariel “Olive Branch” Sharon announced last Wednesday that the disputed Gaza Strip had been returned to Muslims at long last, marking the end of a 38-year call by Middle Eastern countries that the Jewish nation leave the settlement to its Islamic inhabitants. However, Islamic critics complained the Gaza Strip had not actually been released by the occupying Israeli forces, but merely re-zoned so the Strip itself now lay within the Egyptian borders.

Sharon balked at such claims, because balking is second-nature to him.

“For years they demand Israel return their stupid little piece of land, well, it’s done,” said Sharon, spitting to punctuate his point. “Israeli congress has re-zoned and now all of area is Israel. Why are so many Muslims occupying Israeli land? Have they not gotten the memo? But you won’t see us stoning them or setting off bombs in their cafés. Had they any cafés. We merely ask them to leave. Promptly. Within twenty-four hours, or face arrest and devastating loitering charges.”

Even standard Israel supporter the United States has had a little trouble digesting this latest crafty maneuvering from its World Council ally. U.S. officials have called for a more appropriate fulfillment of the pledge to leave the Gaza Strip, stating that while re-zoning is an effective way to keep minority votes under control in domestic situations, it is unacceptable for solving international land disputes.

The re-zoning itself appears to be a response to earlier criticisms that the original disembarkation from the Gaza Strip failed to meet expectations from Israel’s promise, as the country annexed additional land for its own borders to build a demarcation wall around Maaleh Adumim, inside the West Bank, effectively stealing a portion of that area in the name of tightening security.

Some of the few sane Middle East analysts left fear the drastic measure by Israel could inspire combative Arabic states to strike back with their own internal ordinances to diminish the effects of the Gaza re-zoning and Israel’s seizure of the West Bank. “Sharon may have opened the door to a new style of war between Israel and the Arabic states,” said Professor Udi Al-Batang of Cairo University. “The bombings and military strikes may take a back seat to re-mapping and re-districting. Not that this won’t lead to bombings and military strikes of their own. But justifying what you’re doing with the internal laws of your own country cannot build a lasting peace. People outside your own borders will be outraged, and that outrage will inspire more violence. And I know what I’m talking about. I’m tempted to buy myself a machine gun because I went to bed in Cairo and woke up in the poverty-stricken Gaza Strip this morning. Thank you, Mr. Sharon.”

Many leaders in the Arabic communities warned Sharon he must comply with the years-old promise to end occupation of the real Gaza Strip. But most likely, Sharon didn’t understand because it was all in the Arabs’ own languages.

“If Israel wants to build a 100-foot wall to defend ourselves, we certainly have that right,” pledged Sharon. “If we want to control the borders of our country, for security’s sake, and move them wherever and whenever we feel like it, we certainly have that right. Clearly the best way to maintain piece in a region long torn by strife is to build more fences and take all the land we need. Finally… we are safe.”

Although this reporter rushed to get this story out sooner, its delivery was delayed along the way by the fact that after standing in the middle of Jerusalem one minute, he found himself a minute later standing in New Mesopotamia, by order of the Syrian Rezoning Congress. Whoopsy-doo.