Let’s get started. I don’t have all day. If I did have it, I would probably charge for its use. I’m thinking $4.50, $5 ought to do it. Not outrageous, but enough to clear a healthy profit.

I have recently taken to wearing hats. And we are no longer a hat-endorsing culture, I remind you. So if you see me on the street, applaud my actions. I mean it. Seriously, applaud. Very loudly, and with whistles.

Ever notice how there are movie-grade celebrities, and then there are TV-grade celebrities? In movies, you have Tom Cruise. On TV, you get Matthew Perry. Every once in a while you’ll see an ambitious star claw his way up, like George Clooney. Or you’ll witness the sad decline of one star washing up on TV shores, like Geena Davis. Where does that leave Paris Hilton? I’d say straight to video, but I have more class than that.

It just occurs to me I never received any gifts at all on Christmas morning, 1993. God, no wonder that morning went by so slow. I knew something was askew.

What time is it? Drinking time! It’s always drinking time, when you have alcohol.

If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, flush it down. This applies to any packet gravy you can get your hands on it.

It seems like only yesterday I was a bouncing young boy with his future laid out before him. If it was really yesterday, I had one hell of a growth spurt. I’m seriously worried if it’s still going on, because I could be dead before I’m done with this column. But more than likely it was just time seeming relative to me again.

If I could have only one thing given to me, I would like a gun. Everything else I could then get myself.

I have but one rule to live by: If your teeth are turning black, it’s time to start brushing. Live by this rule and you can’t go wrong.

Several times a month I order a “pizza with everything on it.” When it arrives, I’m disappointed to find only extra cheese, green onions, olives, mushrooms, and several kinds of meat. Is this truly everything? Have we grown so unimaginative as a culture we can’t do any better? I demanded everything, damn you. Put some backbone into it.

Whoops! I fell out of my chair. That time it was an accident. I know I’ve done it sometimes just to get attention, but that time was for real.

I have never been charged with impersonating a police officer, though I do it all the time. Don’t worry—I don’t wear a uniform or carry a fake badge or anything. It’s all in my attitude. I carry myself like a cop. People don’t say anything, but they don’t believe it. I don’t tell them I’m a cop either. That would be cheating. And a felony.

They call them sunglasses, but they don’t shine the sun directly into your eyes when you’re wearing them. They should call them “sunblockers,” or “shades.” Why is it I’m the one who has to think of these things?

That’s sufficient. I could give it more, but I don’t think you quite deserve that, do you? No, not at all.

Vernon Hooper’s Sixth Cents
If you are going to shoot the Creature from the Black Lagoon, do you need a hunting license or a fishing license? This assumes, of course, you’re doing it by yourself and not part of some angry mob. However, this is the kind of predicament that keeps me up at night. It probably worries the Creature, too.

Vernon Hooper’s Fifth Syphilis
There is some brand of lunchmeat that makes all the pain of the world go away. I can never remember the name. I want to say Hormel, but that may have just been something I saw on the shelf. A shame. Good lunchmeat.

Fourth and Forward
These are the times that try men’s souls. And if you haven’t tried soul before, I would suggest trying a man’s Marvin Gaye collection first. Nobody sounds quite like Marvin Gaye.

Third Time’s Alarm
If you got the chance to pick your own nickname, what would it be? Wait—don’t jump the gun too soon. Remember, this will have to last you forever. Unless you change it.