lastissue='2005/0905/';
lastissuehead='Katrina Victims Treated to Dome Tour of U.S.';
lastissueimage='dome';
thisissue='Monday, September 12, 2005';
nextissue='September 19th, 2005';
rate1='Bob Denver: The Most Unlikely Scientologist of Them All';
score1='901,212';
rlink1='polio';
rate2='Gut-Wrenching and Other Techniques They Don’t Teach in Med School';
score2='112,607';
rlink2='rent';
rate3='Uncle Macho’s War-Wound Pâté';
score3='981';
rlink3='poet';
rate4='To Have Your Cake and Eat it Too: A Bulimic’s Tale';
score4='550';
rlink4='dunkin';
rate5='Splamb: Enjoy the Authentic Flavor of Spiced Lamb';
score5='51.2';
rlink5='finger';
nation='Next hurricane may actually clean up Gulf Coast a little';
world='Large undecided voter population in Japanese election lack honor';
beezwax='OPEC boosts production on oil-shortage excuses';
techno='European Playstation gets more play for less work and higher taxes';
overheard='Flood-based sitcoms and movie scripts shelved indefinitely';
quote='The unexamined life is not worth living… so show me your tits already.';
quotename='Sol Crates';
cookie='Nobody loves you anywhere near as much as your mother, but the bad news is you were adopted. Your “Most Favored Nathan” status will be revoked this week when a more-favorable Nathan arrives in town. Sorry. Try to start flossing your teeth, crotch and armpits, ASAP. This week’s lucky bullets: zingers, greenies, pissmakers, Big Bens, deconstipators, “lead flapjacks,” armor-piercing, elephant piercing, Ella Fitzgerald-piercing.';
toptitle='Top New Orleans Rebuilding Proposals';
top1='Houseboats for all!';
top2='Move entire city to Ames, Iowa, just to see what happens';
top3='Dig city another 20 feet lower, install Plexiglas ceiling for viewing marine life';
top4='Pave over city to create parking lot for Atlanta SuperTarget';
top5='Fuck it, the place was way too French anyway';
etcdivider='400';
story1name='fema';
story1head='FEMA Braces for Publicity Disaster';
story1blurb='FEMA, the Federal Emergency Management Agency, proved itself unprepared for the post-hurricane situation in Louisiana, and now will have to prepare itself for an even more deadly assault on its reputation.';
story1credit='Raoul Dunkin';
story2name='celebrities';
story2head='Officials to Celebrities: Please Get Out of New Orleans';
story2blurb='Disaster-relief officials in New Orleans made a stern announcement today to the thousands of celebrities descending upon the devastated city in hopes of providing humanitarian aid in exchange for career-boosting photo ops: We’re serious; you really need to leave now.';
story3name='jazzband';
story3head='Wisconsin Man <br />Takes in Jazz Band';
story3blurb='The whole nation wants to do their part to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina, but a Madison, Wisconsin man is doing so much he makes all the other volunteers and charity donors look like dried puke. For Albert Pohl Martinson hasn’t merely taken in three or four family members or refugees from New Orleans: He’s taken in a whole jazz band.';
newsdivider='455';
col1='bagel';
col1title='Strictly for the <br />Inner Circle';
col1blurb='Dickless and Assmunch: In regards to last week’s queries, no, you can’t have your nicknames changed. It serves you right for taking a smoke break while we were assigning names. ';
col2='dreck';
col2title='Hurricanes are Nature’s Douche';
col2blurb='When you get out of the shower, you feel cold because the water evaporating off your naked ass is taking your body heat with it. This heat energy does not disappear, it has to go somewhere. And it goes into hurricanes.';
col3='rent';
col3title='Way Inside Jokes';
col3blurb='Having your own abbreviations and slang just makes life way more fun. Like whenever someone tells me they’re a fan of something or other, I like to think that “fan” is short for “fancy vagina.” Then nobody knows why I’m cracking up because that fat guy in the third row just announced that he was a Philadelphia Phillies fancy vagina. What a dork!';
col3name='_surdyk';
col4='hooper';
col4title='Seventh Heaven';
col4blurb='It seems like only yesterday I was a bouncing young boy with his future laid out before him. If it was really yesterday, I had one hell of a growth spurt. I’m seriously worried if it’s still going on, because I could be dead before I’m done with this column.';
col4name='';
fea1='police';
fea1blurb='&#186; <b>The Constant Gardener</b><br />&#186; <b>The Exorcism of Axl Rose</b><br />&#186; <b>Thumbsucker</b><br />&#186; <b>The Transplanter 2</b>';
fea2='book';
fea2title='Freak Outs and Head Trips in Atlantic City';
fea2blurb='Sans the hitchhiker, who jumped out of the moving car with his girlfriend/dead body somewhere around Lawrence, we hit a steady car pool lane and blacked out.';
fea2name='freakoutsandheadtrips';