The new television season barely underway, Fox executives are already lamenting the low ratings for their most calculated new show of the season, Desperate Alien Prison Escape.
“We don’t understand it,” lamented stunned network executive Roger Bacon. “This show capitalized on every hot trend currently on TV. We even had swearing. It should have been the biggest hit of all time. Fuck.”
Fox’s latest ratings hopeful follows the travails of Juk, a member of a secret alien invasion conspiracy who intentionally gets arrested for sleeping with a bored suburban housewife in order to help his cousin escape from jail, using a detailed map he had tattooed on his scrotum, which due to his alien anatomy is located where a human being’s eyelids would be.
The series premier drew a 3.0 rating, which translates to 3 million households either watching the show or having the TV set to that station so they can play their X-box. The second episode of the season, however, was quickly down to a 0.1 rating, which at the time tied the record for the lowest-rated program previously set by the 1972 broadcast of the British Cooking Championships. The show’s most recent episode drew a disappointing -1 rating, which means it wasn’t even watched by the camera operators while filming. Industry insiders believe this fact explains the show’s avant-garde cinematography, with the camera often focused on the corner of a room’s ceiling while the scene’s principals are heard talking off-screen. That’s what industry insiders hear, anyway, not that any of them watched the show.
Few of Fox’s new shows have fared any better, including The Crew Chief, where Gary, Indiana McDonald’s employee Tyler Buick thrills viewers with this cutthroat fast food management style. The show’s limited appeal was clearly illustrated in this exchange between Buick and underperforming drive-thru cashier Gladys Phillips in the series’ pilot.
“You’re toast. Asta la pasta, dirtbag.”
“You don’t have the authority to fire me; you’re just the crew chief.”
“Sayonara, won’t see ya tomorra!”
“Get out of my face.”
“Thanks for playing. Don’t let the automatic sliding doors close on your ass now!”
Analysts believe the poor showing of Fox’s latest derivative programs may be a sign that viewers aren’t watching television any more, likely instead spending their time viewing pornography, playing video games, surfing the internet and freebasing cocaine.
Other analysts consider this analysis to be far-fetched, preferring to go the music industry route of blaming new technology for the public’s lack of interest in a low-grade product.
“This is all TiVo’s fault,” groaned Fox executive Nigel Thomas. “When you can watch things whenever you want, on your own schedule, I don’t know. That’s bad for some reason.”
Other Fox employees remain optimistic, suggesting that viewers are likely just too busy joining terrorist organizations to tune in to Fox’s fantastic new fall shows.