A lot of people have written letters to me asking why so many mothers kill their kids. This frightens me, I must tell you now. But that doesn’t give me an excuse not to answer it. So let’s work on that conundrum right now, since it’s been a pretty boring couple of weeks here at the commune and the conspiracy river is running dry.

I have to ask you first, are there really that many more moms killing their kids these days? Or is it more likely that in the last ten years a media which has more than doubled in size and output is fighting to grab our attention with sensationalistic stories that hit us right in the gut? No, it’s the first one. There are a lot more moms killing their kids.

Which prompts us to ask, “Dude, what the fuck?” Only more intelligently than that.

I answer that question with a more high-falutin’ one: “Is it intrinsic to our nature to want to kill our children?” Because I say it is.

Sir, it’s our very genetic make-up to kill our offspring. If it wasn’t, people would have a lot fewer children. And consequently, we’d probably care a lot less about sex. Which is horrifying enough. But as I said, we would have two children per couple to maintain the future of our species. Instead, mother nature (or whatever mother makes things happen around here) gave us three, four, five or more children. This is because we are expected to kill most of them at some point before they reach adulthood, and can properly defend themselves.

Of course, we came up with ways to stay our homicidal instincts over the centuries. First, we invented music—all music has a subtle effect on our turbulent emotions, quelling them from our innate homicidal rage. Except rap. We also invented ice cream. It might not have anything to do with killing your children, but it is pretty damn cool we invented it.

So let’s say it’s not one thing in particular, but a combination of many things that have stopped us from killing our offspring—because believe me, the cavemen used to pile up five, six kids a year, as I understand it. I have a friend whose taken an archaeology class who will back me up on this. Once again, let’s say it’s modern ice cream and gangsta rap.

Because of these changing modern times, which have worked to erode the false serenity we’ve built up over the years, things have basically gone all dickhouse. Tempers burn out like fuses made from suicide bomber hair. And then mom realizes she has little Billy’s thin, breakable neck right between her hands and she’s getting ready for the snap.

Now the final question: “What can we do to change this?” To which I have the even more final question: “Should we do anything about this”? My question beats yours. Turn that back on me, if you think you can. I say humans murdering their young is part of the natural evolutionary process. Especially these days, when the untalented and moronic are outbreeding the Red Bagels by 3- or 4-to-1. If a kid is smart enough to keep himself from getting killed by mom, that’s a kid that’s going places. Not to put all the responsibility on these kids, but all the responsibility is on these kids. That may seem harsh, but it’s no different than the little caribou out in the middle of the Serengeti, being chased down by wild mountain tigers. Or whatever equivalent evolution thing happens to animals. Run fast, kids. Momma’s mad, and she ain’t going for the belt this time.