A recent round of standardized DMAS testing in America’s elementary schools has revealed that in spite of President Bush’s ambitious “No Child Left Behind” education policy, at least one American child has been left way the fuck behind.

“I don’t like schoolin’,” explained eight-year-old Topeka, Kansas boy Rodney Camaro, exhibiting numerous symptoms of left-behindedness, including messy, uncombed hair, untied shoelaces, a poor vocabulary and a fondness for pro wrestling.

Camaro was brought to the attention of education officials earlier this week when test results revealed that someone had actually scored a zero on last month’s DMAS, a feat previously thought mathematically impossible.

“You get twenty-five points for just making a pencil mark on the page,” explained testing director Earl Winters. “Fifty for writing your name. Ten for turning in your pencil at the end of the test. This kid must have eaten his pencil, he’s a miracle.”

So what happened to Rodney? According to the boy’s family, Rodney’s father’s wages from his job at a local rubber vagina factory have been insufficient for the family to afford a professional tutor to help Rodney learn his ABCs and lefts from rights.

But many argue that the local schools have failed Camaro, as evidenced by his vague concept that North is “up” and only a dim awareness that money comes in various denominations. Camaro is often swindled in cash exchanges with his fellow students, however, due to his fondness for nickels.

“Ain’t nothin’ better than a nickel,” Rodney explained, proudly holding up a 1997 nickel the boy paid $5 for last month.

Rodney also displays an appalling lack of knowledge about nutrition, history and math. According to the boy, a balanced diet includes the food groups of chocolate, milk chocolate, and Nerds. Rodney’s teachers also detailed the boy’s unique mathematical techniques, which include performing subtraction by running all the numbers in the equation together and adding a negative symbol, as in 4-3=-43. All reports indicate that Camaro is equally inept at science, and reads at a pre-natal level.

School officials insist that Rodney’s the one who has let them down, refusing to get smart and clean up his act in spite of a generous grading curve that somehow has enabled Camaro to advance to the third grade, singularly on the merit of getting older.

When asked about the major players during WWII, the eight-year-old replied simply “Nutsies.” Camaro was unable to elaborate with any more hilarious details.

America’s schools have also failed to teach Rodney a single thing about politics, as well, given the boy’s inability to name the current U.S. president, or, as he is known to Rodney, the “Karate King.”

“Karate King don’t want no name, Karate King don’t need no name,” the boy explained patiently in the face of this reporter’s adult ignorance.

Despite Camaro’s lack of awareness of the president’s existence, President Bush already has plans for the boy, hoping sweep Camaro under the rug by offering Rodney an appointment to one of the government’s major science posts, just as soon as he gets over his weakness for public urination.

Though as of press time, it was still unclear which of the two, Bush or Camaro, would have to stop peeing in public.