Pope John Paul II staunchly refused to die this weekend, in spite of numerous reports to the contrary from an impatient media. Despite showing a complete lack of vital signs and near-total rigor mortis, “the tough old bastard is still hanging on for some reason,” according to Vatican doctors.

I’m Fresh Out of Haitian Cigarettes
But, alas, they’re all gone now. I’ve never been much of a smoker, really, even though I like to try new things and I always do what people on TV do. These are good, though, I smelled them at a party the first night I was in the country and knew I had to try them. Still, as I said, they’re gone now. I finished the last one two days ago and have been, how you might say, “jonesing” for a new one ever since.

º Last Column: The Other Wedding of the Year
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The Seven
Month Itch
Our previous misunder- standings about my frequent trespassing in his bathroom, burning down his house while it was being built, having him arrested twice on charges of necrophilia, and taking a shit in his garden and blaming it on my dog now well behind us, Hamms and I have moved on to a beautiful new phase of our friendship.

º Last Column: The Red Badge of Adulthood
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My Dear, Your New Children Have Become a Nuisance
I can only assume these children were adopted by you on one of your recent humanitarian skylarkings, some time while my attention was turned elsewhere, say to the televised gladiatorial matches or to Bolivian chicken racing, whose season is now thrillingly underway. I know you claim the children to be the fruits of your loom, or loins, whatever it is you have down there nowadays, but needless to say, I find this to be horrifyingly implausible.

º Last Column: Lyric Corrections
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Vernon Hooper’s Sixth Cents
If you are going to shoot the Creature from the Black Lagoon, do you need a hunting license or a fishing license? This assumes, of course, you’re doing it by yourself and not part of some angry mob. However, this is the kind of predicament that keeps me up at night. It probably worries the Creature, too.

º Last Column: Seventh Heaven
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