April, 1999
Hello and welcome to another year in Entertainment and Entertainment-related things! It looks to be another wacky year from the get-go, what with the Senet Trial of comedian George Clinton (who would have guessed, an ancient Egyptian board game used in a court of law? Only in California!) and the possible release from prison of actor John Hinkley, star of 70's masterpiece Taxi Hunter. I don't know about you, but I'm keeping my eyes peeled to make sure I don't end up in the headlines next! One thing I'd like to see though, is somebody doing something about these slacker movie theater employees using the theater marquee like it was their own personal bulletin board! In recent months I've seen countless inane messages like "You've Got Mail" and "I Still Know What You Did Last Summer". Enough already! On to the media:


Video:

Mask of Zorro
I'm an avid fan of art films, but personally I can't see the artistic value of having some mutated-faced wierdo run around, thinking he's the Gay Blade while he tries to rescue Cher from her infomerical hell. But then again I've never been very good with symbolism.

The Truman Show
Toast of the town and roast of the club scene, "gay as he wanna be" author Truman Capote is back, seemingly from the dead! In a surprise move reminiscent of "Wierd Al" Yankovic's film "UHF", Capote crafted this film from various skits spoofing his best-known literary works. My favorite is the "In Cold Blood (Use Tide!)" segment, starring Michael Keaton and Paul Rodriguez as Kansas killers on the run... from tough stains! Only Truman Capote could pull of this audacious jape, easily surpassing his last film, "Pinnochio".

Buffalo 66
Dreamworks may have missed the starting gun with their "Babe" knock-off about a talking buffalo's misadventures off the reservation, but I still think this is the better of the two films. If you don't you've obviously never seen a buffalo try to drive a VW convertable! I'm still laughing about that part. All hilarity aside, the film still manages to slide in the important message that everybody deserves a name, not just a number. Even if you're dumb enough to be killed by a train at the end of the movie.


Video Games:

Womb Raider 3
I try to stay on the cutting edge of today's politics, but I can't help but think that even pro-choicers out there will find this 3-D trip to the doctor's office to be in poor taste.

Grimm Fandango
Virtual dance lessons from everybody's favorite comic-strip dog? Now why didn't I think of that?


Movies:

Prince of Egypt
In all fairness to the tonedeaf among my readers, I have to warn you first that I consider Prince's "Purple Rain" to be the greatest film ever created. So naturally, I was excited to hear about the unpronounceable one's latest project. The real question was, "Would it deliver?". Oh man does it ever! Some might complain that it's nothing more than a two-hour music video, but when you've got this many nearly-naked Egyptian princesses dirty dancing on the steps of the Great Pyramid, I say bring out the director's cut!

Star Trek: Resurrection
I don't know who's idea it was, but I'd like to shake the guy's hand. Talk about taking two sagging sci-fi franchises and ramrodding them together into one heart-stopping film! When Kirk & Co bring Ripley and her Aliens pals aboard for a mixed-doubles squash tournament, they don't know that they're in for more than yuppie R&R! And you've got to be out of your Vulcan mind if you don't think that scene where the alien rips Scotty's sphincter out through his nose and then eats it like a mini-donut was the best ever filmed! Hey, don't read that last sentence if you haven't seen the film yet, okay? It'll just ruin the ending for you, trust me.

The Thin Red Line
Finally, an honest film that dares to tell the truth about the communist freedom-fighters who thanklessly keep us all safe from the clutching talons of the swine-like capitalists. What's that? Change in management? Bad film! BAD FILM!