Dear commune:

It’s amazing how you guys scoop all the other major news outlets. There’s either a major conspiracy to cover up the news stories the commune presents or they don’t use the same sources you guys do. Either way, cool job!

I have to say, though, I was extremely offended when reviewing a recent commune article, as I came across this sentence where the public at large could see it:

“Cautiously, coat your arm or monstrous cock with vaseline before shoving it forcefully into the anus of the prisoner, the quicker the better to reduce pain and tearing of muscle and tissue.”

How can you sleep at night printing garbage like this? Everyone knows Vaseline is an official product name and needs to be capitalized. Hard-working companies have lost their livelihood by allowing their corporate names to become standard generic references, and as an employee of the a certain major petroleum jelly-producing company, I won’t have it.

Still, all that aside, thanks for making the commune.

Emil Zender
D'Artagnan, Washington

Dear commune:

By my calculations, the commune recently celebrated its third year. I think the traditional third anniversary gift is toner, but I’ll have to check the book on that.

My question is, you’re just two years away from the big 5th anniversary. Amazing! And I told all my friends you wouldn’t last two weeks. Now most of them are dead, ironically killed within that first two weeks. Makes you think. Okay, you can stop now.

So, what do you plan on doing if you’re still around for the big five year anniversary?

Greg Beal
Sacramento, California

Dear Greg:

the commune has been happy to provide alternative news for however long you say we’ve been around, and we’ll be presenting it to you at least another four months, which covers the lease for our office.

Assuming we’re around for that big 5th anniversary in November of 2003, we have big plans. We’ll travel to work in our jet-powered source of public transportation or matter transporters, obtain our news telepathically from our reporters, eat our lunch of Soylent Green and Spam, listen to the weekly radio address of President Winfrey, and study the Wall of Fame for our beloved commune reporters and columnists like Red Bagel, Lil Duncan, Ivan Nacutchacokov, Ramon Nootles, Omar Bricks, Rok Finger, and Roland McShyster, all of whom were tragically killed in that robot revolution that shocked the world. Tragic.

Keep reading and watch out for those robots!

the commune

Dear commune:

I am probably your biggest fan. I am 10 feet tall, 564 lbs. But that’s all muscle, let me assure you.

I started reading the commune two months ago, a month after I first discovered it. I believe the commune is responsible for the five feet I have grown since then, as well as the fresh minty smell my cat’s feces now produces. How refreshing! I’m no longer in a hurry to empty the catbox.

I saved every commune since I first started reading. Sure, it’s difficult and expensive, buying a new computer to display this week’s commune, but you can’t pay too much for quality. Especially when you have no idea the value of a dollar, like my dad always said about me.

Each week I anxiously await the next commune. Nothing can diminish my enthusiasm, not the razor-wielding leprechauns, not the blackouts, nothing.

I would also like to say something to all the kids out there about huffing paint: I’ve never had any problems with it. Thank you.

Keep making them and I’ll keep reading them! Until I stop suddenly.

Styles Wright
Oley, Wisconsin

Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for that piece of shit Freddie Prinz Jr. movie—man, garbage like that makes you hope suicide is a hereditary gene. All opinions expressed in our letters are not ours, unless they’re the fake letters we wrote.