The Real Reason For Afghanistan
the commune's Red Bagel gives the snowdown on the Winter Olympics cover-up 

Monday, Jan. 7, 2002
Most Americans sat at home, in the safety of their quilts or warmed by a quaint trash can fire, and watched the war in Afghanistan on their televisions, computers, or radios while imagining what the attacks looked like. Emotional, patriotic, swept up in the fever that we are fighting a war for our very freedom… or so you thought.

I cannot even begin to tell you the depths of deception going on even as we speak. All the money, all the time, the five or six American guys killed over there, all for the sake of one huge monkey-dung-sized cover-up. For it has all been a distraction to keep us from noticing the evacuation of the Snow People in Utah.

The Snow People? Yes, Americans, the very same. Those of you who thrive on mainstream media only will doubtless wonder what I talk about, while those who know me personally and my mailman already know the horrible truth.

For years the good state of Utah has been made up of a reckless and wild, primitive race of beings with bizarre superstitions. But besides the Mormons, the state is also inhabited by a collection of icy humanoids we in the underground press have dubbed the Snow People, capitalized.

The Snow People are a harmless group of non-humans dwelling in cavernous outstretches of Utah. In fact, they create the cold weather in Utah, which would otherwise be as dry and hot as Jayne Mansfield buried up to her neck in the sand. The Snow People have always gotten along well with the other inhabitants of Utah, all five of them, and have meant our people no harm.

All would’ve stayed fine had the Olympics not come into town.

Yes, in anticipation of the Winter Olympics next year and the hundreds of dollars of tourist business they expected to receive, the greedy and ruthless officials of the great state of Utah have enlisted the U.S. government’s help in relocating the Snow People to Alaska, the 51st state (more on that in another column at a later date). Do the Snow People want to move? Hell no! But what are you going to do against a timorous race of murderers and thieves with flame throwers and alien spacecraft technology at their hands? That’s right, snowy boy, shut-up and move ‘long now.

As you all know, the U.S. government is incapable of doing anything in a straight and forward fashion. It would have been jam dandy of them for the president to go on TV and say, “Hey! Looky there!” and while every American is generally turned around looking at something else, they trek the Snow People from Utah up to Alaska. We all likely would’ve done it, yes, we’re always curious when someone’s pointing somewhere. But no, the government always swats flies with missile launchers. So now we’re caught up in this war on terrorism and we’ve bitten off a bit more than we’re willing to chew. We may be stuck for years in this Middle Eastern mess, sorting out the details and figuring out who’s a terrorist and who’s just a regular old-fashioned neighbor country bomber.

Meanwhile, the Snow People are freezing their dangles off up in no man’s land. As you may or may not know, Alaska’s been uninhabited since Ore Ida corporate take-over of the state in 1996. “But, Red,” you say, awful impertinent, “they’re Snow People. Don’t they like the cold?” Depends, dumbass. You’re officially a warm- blooded mammal. Don’t you like your blood, oh, I don’t know, about 900° Fahrenheit? No? Shut-up and get your shit straight ‘fore you interrupt.

It is our job as American people to stand up and say, “Hey! Teacher! Leave those kids alone! And the adult Snow People as well!” So when you go to the polls and surprise everybody by showing up for the real presidential election on Valentine’s Day, make sure you vote for a third-party candidate who stands for equal rights for snow people. Currently only Jim “The Hatchet” Slade has such a platform, and he may not appear on every state’s ballot because of the whole incarceration thing, but with enough public awareness, all of the big candidates will have to sit up and take notice some day. Power to the people! Snow and otherwise!