Open Up Your Wallets, Corporate Greed-Hounds
the commune's Omar Bricks by any other name would smell 

Monday, Feb. 4, 2002
Recently I became aware of the completely bogus trend of huge corporations purchasing the naming rights to sports arenas all over the country. Qualcomm Stadium, MCI Arena, Depends Dome, Enron Field, Pepsi Center, McDome Deluxe, Fleet Center, Sta-Free Stadium, Arco Arena, Staples Center, Ex-Lax Arena, Bank One Ballpark, Anusal Arena and Joe’s Crab Shack Stadium all blot the national sports landscape with their stinky names. And these are only the most obvious examples; some other crafty executives have even slipped their company names in under our collective radar. Did you know Coors Field was actually named for the beer? Neither did I. Crafty bastards. I thought that was the team name, like the noises doves make. And yeah, I thought that was a pretty candy-assed name for a baseball team, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t true. Just look at the Boston Butterfly Kisses.

One faithful reader was sharp enough to point out that this kind of thing has been going on for years, and that one needs to look no further than Wrigley Field for proof. And I’ll be damned if the fabled home of the Chicago Cubans isn’t the biggest stinker of the bunch, naming their stadium after a cheap line of plastic insect replicas aimed at gullible kids.

Many (at least one) readers of my column have written in, asking if I’m pissed off about this issue, and the crass commercialization of our culture. You’re damned right I am! Where the hell was I when they were dreaming this stuff up, and why wasn’t I cut in on the action? In case nobody has noticed, a commune salary doesn’t go as far as it used to, especially not since they realized that Omar Bricks and Bricks Omar are the same person and they stopped sending me two paychecks every week. Who’s the executive scumbag who thought I couldn’t use a cut of those fat naming-rights checks, and where can I find his car?

As far as I’m concerned, these stadium owners have the best racket going, and Omar Bricks wants a piece of the pie. I’d like to officially make it known that the Bricks homestead is available for renaming for a reasonable fee in the low seven figures. Or maybe less, depending on the other offers I get. I may be willing to let the naming rights go to anyone who’s willing to pick up my cable bill.

Come to think of it, why stop there? After brief consideration I’ve decided that an even larger plum is available for the pickling. The naming rights to Omar Bricks himself are now officially on the market. Just think of it, what corporate money-monkey wouldn’t drool over the idea of having a commune columnist as a walking human advertisement? Just think of the kind of boost that a mind-blowing column by Pepsi Bricks could give to that product line. Or, conversely, a biting commentary by Omar Coke, assuming of course that it was made clear that I wasn’t some kind of megalomaniacal drug lord. Separate rates are available for both first and last name rights, with a package deal possible if the price is right.

But of course, should your company bear an unfortunate family name like Shitkisser or Bungwarp, I reserve the right to raise my rates. I’m not even sure that such terrible names even exist, but I know for a fact that if I didn’t prepare for such a contingency, all the Assgrotens and Leiki-Nippels of the world would come out of the woodwork waving fists full of cash and I’d be screwed.

It’s a high-stakes game where the winner takes all, and to let down your guard is to be devoured like an Easter Peep. So keep your gummy marshmallow eyes peeled, commune readers. Coke out.