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Dear commune:
My name is Ronnie Boyd and I am 13 years old. I’m in the hospital right now and very sick.
I have a rare disease that I can’t even pronounce. I need a genitals transplant or the doctors say I
won’t live very long at all. I probably won’t get it, as the doctors say genitals transplanting is very rare
and most doctors can’t do it without laughing so it’s a very risky procedure. My doctor says things
look pretty bad and I might not live six months, even if I pay the bill.
I am writing because I am trying to get into the Guinness Book of World Records before I die. Since
I am sick and my genitals don’t even work I can’t do all that much, but the Guinness people said my
best bet is to get as many “get well” cards as possible and maybe I can set the record for that. So if
you could spread the word that the sick boy with the bad genitals needs cards maybe I can do it
before I die.
Thank you very much. It means a lot to me.
Ronnie Boyd
Kingstown, DE
Dear Ronnie:
We were very moved by your story, at least some of us at the commune, and we would like to help
you. We would like to, but due to recent events it’s not going to happen. Read on:
Dear commune:
This is Patrick Molton and I’m 11. Just to cut to the chase, I have a rare bone disease that makes my
bones pop out through the skin and it’s really gross. I need a really obscure type of bone marrow to
transplant or I’ll die. I probably won’t get it as I’m not very well liked and, well, that whole “waiting
list” thing is just a popularity contest.
I’m trying to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for the most “get well” cards sent to a
dying sick kid and I’m doing pretty well, off to a nice start. I’d appreciate if you could let everybody
know what I’m doing and where they can send cards and stuff.
Also, watch out for that asshole Ronnie Boyd. He’s beat me to the New York Times and
Washington Post both, and the New York Times wouldn’t even publish my letter afterwards, they
said I wasn’t cute enough and they had some kind of limit on the number of dying kid letters they
could run. It’s enough to really piss someone off. We even both promised, Ronnie Boyd and I, we
wouldn’t try overseas outlets and then that prick writes to BBC and he’s all over the news and radio
over there, it’s a shitbag. British folks everywhere babbling on about Ronnie Boyd, Ronnie
Boyd—do they give a fuck who Patrick Molton is? No. I might as well just be some nobody
from Canada.
Ronnie Boyd is a complete asshole. Sure, he comes off a like a perfect bed-ridden sick kid, but it’s
just a big fat lie. He has this big awful dick-rotting-off disease but he never mentions he got it from
sleeping with pigs. Makes a difference, doesn’t it? Do you really want to send your “get well” cards
to a pigfucker? Think carefully.
I’m the real deal, people. Real good kid, no false pretenses, certainly no animal fucking. I may be a
little rough around the edges but that’s just because I’m so damn straight with you, I ain’t going to lie
like some pigfuckers I could mention. So you search your souls or whatever you need to do and
before you send out a “get well” card, just be sure if you want a pigfucker in the Guinness Book of
World Records or a straight-shooting good American kid. Thanks.
Patrick Molton
Meelay, NJ
Dear Patrick, Ronnie:
As you can see, this has become a much stickier issue than we’re prepared to get into. All we can say
is good luck trying to get into the Guinness Book, but we’re not getting involved.
Pigfucker.
the commune
Dear commune:
Why didn’t you tell anyone the commune was going to be on 60 Minutes? Being both a
regular 60 Minutes viewer and loyal commune reader, I was happily surprised to see Ed
Bradley leading a camera team into the offices of the commune last Sunday. I’m not sure why they
blurred Rok Finger’s face and not everybody else, but it was very cool to see all the famous
commune writers and columnists and personalities (Mazie the Chicken is a lot shorter in person) in
moving pictures for the first time.
It’s a shame they spent so much time on the unhealthy working conditions of the office and the
questionable bookkeeping in the advertising department and didn’t cover the great reporting and
on-target editorials the commune has always presented. If you’re going to be on television again,
let me know so I can tape it.
Mitch Weaver
Mullasky, VA
Dear Cary:
Our lawyers suggest we answer your letter carefully and neither confirm nor deny the
60 Minutes piece you mentioned. We can safely say, however, that Rok Finger’s face was
not blurred by any technological means. It just takes some getting used to.
the commune
Editor's Note:
the commune is not responsible for however many seashells she sells by the sea shore when she sells
seashells. That’s one of our favorites. That and holding your tongue and telling everyone you were
born on a pirate ship.
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