Way to Cock Up My Birthday Party, Grandpa
the commune's Billy Sheets is trying to be big about this. 

Monday, Mar. 04, 2002
Hi Grandpa. Mom wanted me to write to tell you that I'm not mad at you anymore for what happened at my birthday party. She says that you probably didn't mean to have a giant heart attack right when everybody was just starting to have fun. She says that I should learn to not be so selfish and learn to consider other people. But I don't know. It's not like it was anybody else's birthday.

Mom says I should forgive you even though my birthday party was a total bomb after the whole heart attack thing. She says I'll have another birthday next year, but I only have one Grandpa. But I bet none of those kids that were there this year will come back next year. Not after they got dicked out of a pony ride and ice cream cake and everything when you collapsed into the cake table. I don't think anyone was having much fun while we were standing around waiting for the ambulance to come, and I think it scared some of the kids when your eyes bugged out like that and you turned kind of blue. I definitely didn't think it was very cool.

But I guess I'm supposed to forgive you, even though I'm going to be a total outcast at school now. All of those other kids with their normal Grandpas who don't hog all the attention, or else are dead and stay out of the way like that, they're going to hang out together now, I can tell. That's the way it always works. I remember the one time Freddy Schneuder's grandma picked him up from school and she called him "Sweet Noodle" in a loud voice that everyone could hear. He still doesn't have any friends, and that was last year. And it's not like she destroyed a major social event, she was just being lame. I'm probably going to have to switch to a private school.

Mom says that if you'd had your choice, she thinks you would have waited until after the gift opening and the cake to have your heart attack. I think she's just trying to make me feel better. If you were that worried about it, why didn't you just stay home that day, or maybe hang out in the lobby of the hospital or something? You probably would have been safe, unless there was a little sick kid or somebody having a birthday party there. But I guess you didn't think of that. Thanks a lot, Grandpa.

Mom tells me that she bets you're really sorry that things couldn't have worked out better and that my birthday party was ruined. And I guess that's a pretty good way to look at it. But to be honest, all I can think is that unless there aren't any kids up there in heaven, you're probably up there pissing all over somebody's birthday party as we speak. Sorry Mom.