The King of the Road
(Part 2)
by Lemon Chester 

Author’s note: In preceding chapters, returning King Luthor of Kuntnose finds his kingdom in the hands of the evil dark enemy Rupert. Fleeing the kingdom with his loyal knight and drinking buddy Sir Bainbridge, Luthor of Kuntnose befriends a group of unique warriors and heroes: Linux, the dark leprechaun; Feedle, the big-boned dwarf; the ancient wizard GiGijerod; and GiGijerod’s dog, Farts. Together the band of valiant heroes seek the kingdom of Hooscow, and the dark castle of Oogh, in hopes they can find the source of power for the evil dark enemy Rupert and break his hold on Luthor’s kingdom.

“Behold!” yelled Luthor of Kuntnose, when he spied the road ahead becoming a rocky, steeply-inclined path.

“Yeah, we see it,” said sarcastic Linux. “Great balls of fire! Do my eyes deceive me or is it the cave den of Dromach, the hell beast?”

“No, your eyes deceive you,” said GiGijerod in his crackling, tired voice. “It is Volcano Mountain.”

“Ah. My mistake.”

“Volcano Mountain!” declared Bainbridge repetitively. “My liege, none who enter Volcano Mountain ever come out alive!”

“I see. Is there any chance it is simply so good inside everyone who enters decides to live there forever voluntarily?” asked the King.

“I highly doubt that.” GiGijerod sat upon a rock, using his staff as some sort of walking staff for balancing. “Volcano Mountain is a well of the hottest lava you could ever conceive of. And since regular lava is hot enough to kill us, you can imagine the extra hot lava is no good either. And I haven’t even mentioned the countless dark things that dwell within, waiting to rend human flesh from bone.”

“Well, now you’ve mentioned it.” Linux started to walk away. “You know, I’m not really an instrumental part of this quest anyway, so I would prefer be off.”

“Stay, good Linux,” said Luthor of Kuntnose. “For our valiancy will be rewarded. Oh, good GiGijerod, default wise man on this journey of ours, tell us how we might conquer the forces of evil inside Volcano Mountain? Or bypass them. Bypassing is good as well.”

“I fear there is no way,” creaked GiGijerod. “The road you are king of leads straight into the heart of the monster. To pursue this road any further is to seek to overcome impossible odds with only minor weapons of steel and wood, and the strongest of hearts.”

“Perchance, and just hear me out,” began Bainbridge, “is there any other way we can go without taking the road through the mountain?”

“Well,” said GiGijerod, scratching his noggin, “I suppose we could take the gravel path of gold and down into the Flower Valley, where dwell rabbits, chipmunks, and promiscuous tropical girls with a disdain for clothing. But it would put us off our journey by another thirty minutes.”

Luthor of Kuntnose shrugged. “I’m game. Flower Valley, everyone?”

And lo, our heroes gallantly side-stepped certain doom within the volcanic netherworld.

For more of this great story, buy Lemon Chester’s novel
The King of the Road Fluffiest Gable
The rabbits continued their English-sounding conversation. “It’s impossible. The humans have never visited the Gable for developing. Why would they now?”

The Sunflower Seedlings
They ran across the grass field, jumping and bounding like little girls, which they could pull off convincingly. But in a few years, that youth would be gone; Biffy was faintly aware of this, and made the most of her jumping and bounding years.

The Tell-Tale Cellphone
A madman would have attempted to dispose of the body in some crazy way, like shooting it out of a cannon or trying to inflate it with helium so it would float away. Or putting fake cardboard ears on the head and saying “My dog got hit by a car!” But not I, who is not mad.

That Was School, This is the Theater
The Socks, that’s what we call the rich kids and their gang. Fancy-pantses, always strutting around in their high-water jeans, showing off their la-de-da socks to the world.