The L.I.E. Renovelized
by Hank Pavik 

“Welcome to the L.I.E.,” said the wise-looking man who was only wise-looking because the program made him that way, and was only a man because the program had a hard time making long hair that looked real.

Necco stood and looked at the man dubiously. Sure, he’d come here to blue-screen the whole L.I.E. for good, to tear the whole system down like a lousy set of Venetian blinds and set his people free. And yeah, the people hated him. They thought he was a prick who was full of himself and wore those leather pants everyone hated. But he’d show them. He’d free their damned minds and do it using karate. Yeah, that’d be awesome. Karate.

“I see you were expecting someone else,” interrupted the wise-looking man, or WLM. “Perhaps a climactic karate fight for the fate of all mankind?”

“I expect nothing but the freedom of my people. And answers,” countered Necco, picking his nose.

“I have answers to all questions,” said WLM. “Both those you will ask and those you should ask, which are not the same questions.”

“Huh?” countered Necco.

“The things you know are not the things you think, and the things you think you know are neither thought nor known, nor do you think things which knowing can think, or things thinking can know.”

Necco looked confused. “I think I’m in the wrong room.”

“As I knew you would,” answered WLM. “Now ask the question I already know you will ask.”

Necco opened his mouth but drew a blank.

“The L.I.E. is a complex computer simulation in which we all live,” answered WLM. “It stands for Living Interactive Environment. I am its creator.”

Necco stared blankly.

“Yes, I have seen you naked. And it is of average size,” answered WLM.

Necco nervously glanced down at his fly.

“What you should be asking me is not what is the L.I.E. but rather when is the L.I.E. No wait, that’s wrong, I confused myself. You should be asking which is the L.I.E. Since this is not the first. The first one crashed when we tried to run two sessions at once, everyone seized up and we eventually had to yank the plug out of the wall. You may not want to hear this, since it will invalidate your entire reason for being here as well as the whole point of telling this story, but this is the sixty-fourth L.I.E. Or sixty-third. I lose track. But the point is there’s always some asshole who shows up at the end thinking he’s God and we have to nuke the whole thing. You, Necco, are that asshole.”

Necco looked confused. “I think I’m in the wrong room.”

For more of this great story, buy Hank Pavik’s
The L.I.E. Renovelized My Life: A Pete Durmondo Memoir
It may not be common knowledge, but it’s not a secret either: I wasn’t always Pete Durmondo. I was born Jimmy Durmondo, on the lower east side of New York City, and changed my name to Pete Durmondo on the advice of an agent because it “had more snap.”

The Met Job
The security guard waved him past with a tired nod, and a fart. Rue Mac strode through the museum, admiring the pretty canvases and naked women statues, but to him they all spelled one thing—green.

Next Stop: Albany
So Karl, what are you doing hanging out with us proletariat on a night like this? asked Harvey, being a smart ass. You don’t get it, man, said Karl, we’re all proletariat if we don’t own the means of productions and none of us do. What’s the means of production then? asked Wally, real interested.

Big Gay Bear
“I’m afraid I know all too well what it is,” said Patriot, though he really wasn’t afraid. “It’s a map of chemical laboratories. If I have to guess, I’d say these laboratories store some kind of biological weapon, such as anthrax.”

King of the Road (Part 2)
“Stay, good Linux,” said Luthor of Kuntnose. “For our valiancy will be rewarded. Oh, good GiGijerod, default wise man on this journey of ours, tell us how we might conquer the forces of evil inside Volcano Mountain? Or bypass them. Bypassing is good as well.”