Good evening, movie-going masses. I really enjoy CGI-animated movies. Maybe that’s not true, but I really enjoy I don’t actually have to see Ben Affleck’s face, I’m only forced to hear his grating voice. Still, I must ask, so I do not feel alone on this… is this charming, holiday cheer-filled family film The Polar Express actually populated by the robot people from the old Duracell commercials? I am no longer giving They Live a negative review. I am living it.


In Theaters

Elf
It used to be you could see Will Ferrell act like an enormous jackass for free every Saturday night, on television. Now you have to pay up to $9 for it. You have to give marketing people their respect. James Caan also starred in this movie, but even before I saw him I wanted a gang of mobsters to come out and riddle someone with machine guns—not Caan, though. He was harmless.

The Chronicles of Riddick
A slab of meat with sunglasses (Vin Diesel) runs, jumps, and grunts his way through a world of pricey set pieces, while uttering atrocious dialogue in a voice, fortunately, no one can understand. The special effects are… not worth my time reviewing, really. Shall we say inoffensive? Sure. I had to work very hard just keep up my hate for this film, so cookie-cutter was this scarcely-mentionable sci-fi screen-filler. Someone who cares might like to hear it is a prequel to the somewhat-successful movie Pitch Black. Prequel or sequel, I can’t remember. Let’s settle on crapquel.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
A fantasy epic based on a very successful book. But then, Mein Kampf was a successful book, so that’s hardly anything worth bragging about. Harry Potter, possibly played by himself, finds out an escaped prisoner who aided in killing his parents has escaped prison. A movie ensues. Some marginally interesting ideas mix with movie clichés until nobody is satisfied. The part between the beginning and ending I quickly forgot, and I’m not really sure about the beginning and ending either. Even being a fan of the fantasy genre didn’t make this a palatable bit of fluff.


And in parting, I might remind you, if you go see the Duracell movies, you’re opening up the floodgates to five or six future movies starring the plasteel frightening people. Not to mention all the possible knock-offs with other washed-out battery salesmen. Jacko may already be touted as the perfect title character for a remake of Hamlet.

November 1, 2004
The Grunge, Ralphie, Team America: Womb Police

October 18, 2004
Van Helsing, Garfield: The Movie, Dawn of the Dead

October 4, 2004
The Forgotten, National Lampoon’s Gold Niggers, Shy Captain and the World of Sbarro

September 20, 2004
The Star Wars Trilogy, Mean Girls, Cigarettes and Coffee